Out of It

Sparky is homeless, according to her facebook update. And I don't know why. I knew she was looking for another apartment, but I've no idea what happened. I hate being so out of touch. Working till 11:30 at night, when she works til 9 and is a time-zone ahead, sucks. We rarely have chances to talk anymore, and I don't like it. Wish there was something I could do, but for now I'm stuck. Can't just not work, Dad kinda needs the help. Leaving voicemails sometimes just isn't enough. When did life become so difficult? Oh yeah, I remember - early June. Fuck.

Sadness and Contemplation

I haven't written in a long time. I'm going to pretend this is my moleskine, in which I haven't written in a long time either.
The past couple of days have been busy at work. Each night I find myself drawing into myself at some point, turning inward and outwardly getting upset and bothered. Not necessarily visibly, just in my head. It's not easy, being at the restaurant so much.
I'm not sure I'll go back to Canyon. I love theater, but right now all I want to do is spend time on my hobbies. Talk with friends and loved ones. Listen to music. Each semester is a grind that has to be gone through. Its good points and bad. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Dad can't work alone, and we're helping as much as we can. Leaving for school, 600 miles away, wouldn't be fair to any of us. Staying here would be just as unfair, to me.
Life's changed a lot since Mom passed away. The kitchen is messier, the counters not wiped down as often. We go grocery shopping once a week, purchasing necessities. We buy far less than Mom used to. Three men handle laundry, and cooking, and make due as best they can.
I've felt it rising up the past week or so, a feeling of.. loss? Dissatisfaction? Mom passed away, and left all of us scrambling to collect the pieces, to put ourselves back together again. To try and find some path to walk, taking care of one another. Too many questions left, and I don't want to deal with any of it. I've wondered in the past if I inherited any of her psychological fears, disorders. I just don't know. And right now I don't want to. Let me be in my bubble world a little longer, taking in the peace and quiet.

South Texas Ramblings

So on Tuesday was game night... or wasn't, more properly said. We haven't gamed since I've gotten back, but at least we started making RIFTS characters for Orren's campaign. Knowing him, he'll get bored of it in a few weeks. But that's alright. I'm going to be playing an Operator, which is pretty much that game's equivalent of a mechanic. ...I like playing mechanics in RIFTS, they're easy. Plus, it's fun to play someone relatively "normal" in a world like that.

Tuesday afternoon was spent in Half-price. I found a perfect copy of The Hobbit in the clearance section for $1, so I had to pick it up. You can't go wrong with the classics, especially not one of my favorite books of all time. Lord of the Rings is a good series, but The Hobbit, for me, is where the magic is at. I must have read that book at least seven times while I was still in high school... Attached to Half-price is Cafe Calypso, and that's my usual coffee haunt. Everyone is very friendly, they have great coffee, and your first refill on the coffee of the day is half-price. After I browsed, I sat and wrote a paper journal entry, in my Moleskine, a full three pages. Which surprised me, since it's usually 1-page entries.

Since then it's been the same old, with lots of miniature painting thrown in. I've got two Kossite Woodsmen mostly done, and the Kodiak is about 90& done - just need to base him and do some of the metals. I'd love to get some more games of Warmachine in with the guys, but it's hard to schedule something like that, and I've no idea where we'd play. I've considered asking for donations so I could get some materials together and make a decent gaming table/surface. It's something that would great to have, almost necessary even, but I know that I'm going to be stuck with the bulk of the work if I volunteer. Which theoretically isn't that bad... except that I'm not going to shell out $50 by myself for materials, when I can ask the guys to throw in $10 or $15 each to cover it.

Life, the Universe, and Shit

Life is fun, especially when you're stuck in limbo. I have one and a half years - three semesters - to go before I graduate. I'll have a theatre degree, which means that I'll probably end up working some low-end retail jobs, selling cappuccinos to unhappy office workers. My family is a mess, everybody for themselves and nobody together. Dad works, and leaves early just, I think, to get away and have his peace. Mom hates working in the restaurant, but can't get away because it's impossible to find anyone who will stand all the training you need to work in a kitchen. Plus, bad hours and only decent pay to work in a hectic, non-air conditioned environment on nights and weekends and all holidays. Brother sticks to himself and immerses himself in computer games. Sister is a bitch, who riles everyone up just by being home. Screaming matches with mom, and everyone else gets upset because of the pervasive ugly mood.

I don't know what I'll do. Right now I just want to finish school and be done with it, and then find my own life. I want to help Sparky, which is difficult when I'm so far away. I've looked up various immigration requirements to Canada(and why not? It seems a nice place to live.) Unfortunately, it looks like I wouldn't make the "skilled workers" requirements unless I work for several years after graduation. Family immigration laws are just as odd; it also covers spousal and other relationship requirements. Sparky, please don't freak out that I've looked over those. *slight smile* I've even considered possibly going back to Germany for a bit, to visit family and maybe see what the theater environment is like over there. Basically, what it amounts to is that I have no idea what will happen after I graduate. All I know is that I pretty much need a huge cushion of savings if I want to do anything at all. Money makes the world go 'round. Who'd have thought? Hahahahaha. Too bad I have pretty much none, and no decent prospects either. But it helps to keep my mind off the fact that I'm basically fucked. If I don't think about it, it will all go away and fix itself, right? Right.

Free skies...

She was right, I did love that damned umbrella. At least, the way she twirled and spun it in her hands as she idly watched the passing clouds. There were days when it was a good indicator of her mood, seeing that umbrella in her hands. She was full of fiery passion, and used the umbrella to emphasize all her points. The captain got a good poke in the chest, upon trying to tell her that the voyage would take longer than expected due to crosswinds. When my dearest love had an appointment, even Heaven and Hell couldn't keep her from making it on time. The captain, ever apologetic, pushed his crew to the limits, stoked the engines, and made for Frankfurt at all haste. Somehow, we managed to keep on schedule, crosswinds be damned. And she just stood at the rail, umbrella draped on her shoulder, smiling that wicked smile of hers.

Rambling

Sometimes we're all fools. Spent ages today cleaning old junk out of the garage - consolidating items into fewer boxes, general clean-up. Found a high school yearbook, tons of old miniatures, my roleplaying books. A few hardcovers that I'd been seeking for years. (Thanks Mom, for taking the initiative and putting them in a place I'd never think to look for them.) Old letters, as well, from Breyanna and Karye. I used to have a huge crush on Karye, and didn't realize it until after she moved to Nebraska to live with her grandparents, halfway through senior year. She joined the National Guard, and we kept in touch via letter for a year or two. Last I heard, she was working in Port A, in a restaurant about 5 minute's walk from the one I work at. Never did figure out if she liked me as I liked her.

Breyanna I was with in a long-distance relationship for almost two years. Then she broke up with me in an email. That's the day I learned that it is possible to cry yourself to sleep at night.

Just occurred to me, both my relationship with Breyanna and that with Zeraphyna lasted less than two years. I met Zeraphyna in June of '06, and in December '07 I decided that not having heard from her in three months was cause enough to consider myself single again. Maybe I'm doomed to continue on a trend of less-than-two-year relationships forever. Although granted, basing that on two relationships is a bit ridiculous. So here's hoping that Sparky and I last for a much longer time. =)

Reading old letters always brings back memories, and not always good ones. Not necessarily bad either, just reminiscences that hark back to days long gone. I get the same feeling when I look through my old yearbooks. They're anchors to memories that are buried somewhere in my head, and come out when the right chain is pulled. It's good to have them, I think. There are things that shouldn't be forgotten, and little reminders can help with that.

I read in one of Brey's letters about a project she was working on - a little jewelry thing. She sent it to me, and it was an open book, done in brass. A small little thing, but I carried it around for ages, and now I wonder what ever happened to it. Maybe I'll come across it again one day.

Well now...

Not much of an update perhaps... in the time between planning to start a blog post for today, and actually getting around to it, I managed to lose about an hour to various random distractions. Curse you, internet!

I worked today, in the kitchen for the first time in ages. Dishwashing isn't so bad, except it's not just washing dishes, it's also making desserts and salads. Eh. No big deal. I just hate the stress that comes with it. Things will get hectic, Dad will curse at something, Mom will take it personally, she'll get upset, and so on. Mom takes lots and lots of things personally, and you never know when you can joke around with her and when she'll flip. This is part of why I wonder if I'm broken in the same way or not. I still have moments where little things will set me off, but I like to think that for the most part I'm pretty easy-going.

Also got to experience the wonders of sisters today. Something I didn't miss at all, honestly. My sister is a bitch, and I'm being plainspoken here. Not bending the facts, just telling it like it is. She got up this morning, and I had my phone on the table, charging. She asks whose phone it is. Well, it's mine... since I washed mine last summer, and got Mum's to use. So, I say that it's mine. She asks when I got a new phone, did the old one get stolen, why do I have that phone. Not in a nice manner. In a "I'm interrogating you and you're going to answer me" manner. Keep in mind this was literally minutes after she got up. ...part of me likes Canyon, because it's far away from her and the stress she causes the entire family.

Talked to Lacey the night before last, which was nice. ^.^ It's always good to be able to hear your significant other's voice. Now I just need to pick up a webcam, so she can see me as well. Go Skype! It makes the distance much easier to bear, when you can save on long distance and still talk to a pretty Canadian gal. ;-)

Still trying to arrange some sort of coffee thing with Zeraphyna. She's somewhat... flighty? It took me ages to figure that out, and now I just go along with it, even if it does annoy me a tad now and then. She said she still had things to tell me, before she said yes or no to coffee with me. So, whatever happens, happens, I guess. For now though, I'm going to bed and thinking wicked Sparky thoughts.

She, too...

She watched over me... we've traveled this world for years. I still remember, that day in November, when we boarded the ship. Full of passion, luggage carted on, our honeymoon before us. She was brilliant in her dress, creamy white, lace, pleated skirts ragged at the hems. The flight cap she'd bought earlier sat loose on her head, her brilliant curls peeking out from beneath. The goggles glinted brass in the sun, and she grinned at me as she walked up the gangplank, spinning that damned umbrella over her shoulder as she threw me a wink. I was young and eager, new to the world. Naive. I loved her and she loved me, and that was the beginning and the end of my thoughts on the matter.
We'd never traveled via airship before, and it was an experience for both of us. The nights were filled with passion, and I remember at least one night of lovemaking during a raging thunderstorm. The lightning and booming thunder heightened our frenzy and drove us closer together, and later, exhausted, we slept in each other's arms.

to be cont'd...

She

We have traveled this world for years
We have consoled each other's fears
We have dried each other's tears
With a fever, with a passion...

I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics. Such a small sample of such a great song. It's Abney Park's "She", if anyone is wondering. I need that passion from whomever I'm with. I need attention, and love, and intimacy... Zeraphyna gave me all, until she moved. It got harder after that, unfortunately, until she disappeared altogether. I'm hopefully optimistic at most times. I feel that way about Sparky; there's passion there, yeah. But also understanding, I should hope. I think there is. I get very involved in my relationships. My "what animal are you?" quiz showed me to be the wolf, which fits I think - I'm very protective of my pack. Enough rambling, though. It's late, and my bed is calling.

Feathers and knives, oh my....

Nice thoughts swirl through my mind. I'm getting a headache, have a headache. Slight enough, right now. But a good sign that I need to get myself into bed. So I'll do that shortly after writing this out.

Had a great conversation tonight with someone quite dear to me. :-) And previous to that I saw Unexpected Tenderness, which was brilliantly put on and very emotionally moving.

Also, something else I've wanted to write for a few nights now: Sometimes they ran for the sheer joy of it.

Abney Park still has my soul. When I get back home, I'm ordering their cds as soon as I can. Steampunk earworms, who'd have thought?

Tuesday Blog

So, since Sparky linked me on her own blog, I guess I'm a bit obligated to post more often, eh? Usually my blogspot's reserved for writerly-type writings of the fiction sort, but I suppose I can make an exception for a bit. Not like I have time(with school and everything) to come up with fiction anyways.

Not much news lately... the end of the semester approaches, and I have quite a bit of work to do between now and then, as well as study for finals.

I still have points where I go "holy fuck! I'm in a relationship!" (with Sparky no less, whom I've liked for ages now... ) No, really. (and Lacey, if you're reading this - yeah, I've totally had a crush on you almost from the beginning.) It's just always been one of those cases of "won't happen, no way, no chance... distance is too great, etc etc.) Except that now... we're together. And just typing that makes me grin like mad. Who'd have ever thought? I certainly didn't. But it's a wonderful feeling, and I love how she makes me feel. (I'm also a total hopeless romantic sometimes.) Anyways. Now that that's typed, I'm going to crash. Sleep calls, and I'm always up way past my bedtime. =)

Mowwww

So, for those of you who don't frequent my Facebook, or zetachannel for that matter, I have a small announcement. Well, a small huge announcement. Sparky(ie. Lacey) and I are now in a relationship. We've been talking a lot the past few weeks, and the first phone conversation we had, which was supposed to be a quick "good night" call, turned into a three-hour discussion on a huge variety of topics, that ended with both of us going to bed rather sleepy yet happy. Yes, she lives in Ontario, and yes, it's a long-distance relationship. We've known each other for 3-ish years no, I think, and been pen-pals for a few of those. She's hoping to make it down to Corpus this summer to visit, which would be totally awesome. (And I told her it would make an awesome graduation present to herself). So, yeah. She makes me smile, I make her smile, we like each other, and we're together.
While I still have to completely wrap my head around the relationship thing, and the distance, it's something that I think I'm willing to work through.

In other news, the next few weeks may end up being very detrimental to my health. I have three 5-page papers to finish, 5 full-color costume renderings to do, a stage management binder to write up, a portfolio to finish for theater juries next week, and oh yeah... finals to study for. Did I mention the Drawing 1 projects I have to finish and turn in? Yeah. Three weeks of school left, and enough work to cram in there for a month. Why am I posting here then, you ask? Procrastination, my dear reader, I answer with a grim smile. Nothing more than simple procrastination.

Life as we know it...

Sometimes life is nice after all. And it's good to have a night where you know that you've managed to cheer someone up. I talked with Sparky again tonight, and it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with, and to make her smile. She may visit in summer, and it would be awesome to hang out with her. Short post, but there you have it.

On Relationships

It's Christmas Eve and I'm miserable. I'm home, which is good. It's nice to be back. But I what I expected never was. I thought I'd come home, have a happy reunion with Ashly, be happy-peachy keen, spend 4 weeks avoiding cold weather and in her company, all would be well. Instead, I'm single(of my own declaration), miserable, lonely, hating the fact that I'm alone again on Christmas and New Year's, upset because I don't know why she stopped talking with me, upset because I know cutting ties is the best thing for me, but still beating myself up over the decision because what if, suddenly, she came back?

Fucking misery. I'm torn over my fucking relationship, because I thought I loved her(of course I did, how could I not?), and now I'm still in love(maybe), but she's not in my life anymore(her own choices, I suppose... what happens when you don't hear from your girlfriend in two months?), and I have no idea how to deal with it. Yay, I can move on with my life! vs. Crap, I'm alone! Relationships and I are not friends... more like acquaintances. I know the basics of Relationship, but it's like testing deep water - I have no idea how far down it goes. Or how to avoid drowning.

I just wish it hadn;t ended the way it did. Or that at least she'd told me that it was over, if it even is. I haven't heard from her since mid-October, remember? So for all I know we could still be together, with her simply on hiatus, or in her own world, or whatever. Hell if I know. But I do know that all my efforts at reaching her went unanswered. And eventually even I learn that sending out messages in bottles over and over with no reply isn't going to have a different outcome the 301^nth time. Only solution would be to stop by where she works, and talk to her then - but that's probably the height of unprofessional, isn't it? So I don't really want to take that option. What happened? Why? When did we start failing? Did we ever start failing? Did she meet someone else? Isn't it the right thing to do to tell your boyfriend that you don't wish to be in a relationship anymore?

What does one do with all the pieces of that relationship, once it's over? All the pictures, the letters, the memories? Do you tuck them away, only to bring them out every now and then to re-open the wound? Or does the pain eventually stop? Why do I have trouble getting close to people? Every time I think I'm over this, I have a bad night and memories and thoughts come flooding up, and I go down into a misery.

Machinery and the Human Heart

Tonight a revelation occurred to me, namely the vague idea that I picked up from reading Evil for Evil. I think what my brain is trying to gestate at is that relationships are the end result of careful planning, figuring out what you want or need and then finding the necessary steps and components to achieve that goal. It's like a big, thought-out process, and if you like you can really break it down step by step and get a good plan going to achieve your goals. In ending the relationship I was in, due to lack of communication, I threw away, discarded a year and a half of love, conversation, comfort, etc... all lost like chaff to the wind because I never heard word from her. I'm not sure exactly what I was "planning" toward - maybe just my own eventual happiness(but isn't that what everyone plans toward?), but either way, it was a long, drawn-out process before I realized that somewhere a flaw had worked in(to keep up the machine analogy), and that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. No fault on my own part, I don't believe, since I did make plenty of effort to reach out and be communicative. No, the flaw lay elsewhere. For all I know it could all be down to outside influences, namely that she found someone else and never told me. I'm not altogether sure how I'd have taken that news, but it would certainly have been better than this perpetual limbo, waiting for word that will probably never come.

Theoretically, I could construct some elaborate plan for my next relationship to achieve whatever nebulous goal I might try to get out of it. Use whatever resources I have at hand to the best of my ability, and see how it falls into place. And yes, I am talking about manipulation, of people, feelings, situations, etc. Isn't that appalling? When you break down the simple steps of it, that's really what it comes down to, only nobody wants to look at it that way. Maybe it's all because most of that process is subconscious. So yes, that's part of the thought process I went through earlier tonight. Scary how the mind works, when applied properly.

032707

The cafe was cozy, especially at this time of night. I sipped my mocha and gave another smile to the barista. She'd started just a few days ago, and I did my best to help her out when she needed advice. After all, that's what you do when you've been coming to the same cafe for years on end. I hoped she'd stay awhile; it always depressed me when a lad or lady with the potential for barista greatness decided to quit. Or worse, get fired. Which, I'm glad to say, didn't happen often. The last person to get fired from my cafe regretted his decision to steal from the register very, very much.

Multitudes

A thousand coffeehouses spread over a thousand cities on the same rainy night. What makes yours stand out? What makes this one so very different? It might be the atmosphere. But then, you could claim that anywhere else, too. The yellow light, shining from the front window into the rain and twilight darkness? Perhaps. It goes deeper than that, though. Allow me to explain, if you will.

Sit back, relax. Have a ...coffee. Sugar? Cream? Sure, you could go for a fancy, seven ingredient concoction. But is that really what you want? Settle for a cup of something simpler. Look around you. It's a haven. The people here, they're disparate. That man, in the scruffy gray sweater? Just this side of unemployed, but he comes in every Thursday for a cup of tea. The tea's not quite as excellent, by the way. Look how he sips, savoring the warmth from the cup circulating through his body. The elbows on his sweater worn, but the garment is clean. The couple, right in that armchair. They're in college, met each other here a few weeks ago. See how she glances up at him as he speaks? I can tell that she's in love. He'll notice it soon as well.

tbc...

Love

He wondered what love was. Was it rainy afternoons in sleepy little cafes, sipping chai and holding thoughtful conversations? Or was it untold faith and belief in the person you were with at the time? A willingness to do anything to make your loved one happy?

Black Flags, Flowing Rum

She was imposing, in a way. Wouldn't have control of the crew otherwise... though it's mainly that they respect her and would do anything for her. Flowing white shirt, purples breeches, tall boots. What piratess doesn't have tall boots? Flintlock at her belt alongside a cutlass, and a maroon bandana to hold back her hair. Peace sign on a silver chain peeking out from her shirt. How odd, that. Perhaps a trinket from an earlier life, or maybe our dear Dread Piratess just likes peace symbols. Then again, none of the crew had ever seen her directly harm someone, when giving it further thought.
This fine day she was in high spirits. The letter had been dispatched, more chai and rum were on their way, and Faerie was hers for the taking. The Stardust had been pulled up on shore for scraping, an odious task that straws were pulled for, dice were thrown, and the occasional fist met the occasional nose. A pier was under construction as well; a shoddy affair, ready to tumble into the sea at a moment's notice, but the lads were giving it their best. Gathering crews were out o pull coconuts, bananas, and whatever lemons they could find, and a third foray into Faerie was planned for later that afternoon.
The captain found herself with nothing to do, thanks to careful planning and organization, and so she locked herself away in her cabin and penned a further report.

Dear Admiral,

I shall now go into further detail on the previous expedition into Faerie, as I'm sure you're quite excited to hear about it. Aren't you? I thought so. But yes, I took a gang of fifteen with me, the most vicious on the crew that I knew about. Vicious enough to fight a shark in it's own territory! Hah! Some of these lads are terrors, Sir. I've seen them in knife fights. Why, Seemus once had part of an ear sliced off, and still stuck the limey he was dueling! Simply wonderful.
We headed past the boundary at roughly noon, armed with our customary weaponry. Flintlock, cutlass, club, that sort of thing. The lads were a bit unsettled by the change in weather, not to mention the terrain being completely different within the span of three feet, from sand and palms to dirt and scrub.

...Beg pardon, but there's some disturbance up abovedecks that seems to need my utmost attention. >_< Shall continue this letter in but a moment, Sir.

Somewhere in the Tropics...

Lord Admiral,

As you may know, we have recently established a beachhead on the island. Recently being several months ago, actually, or will have been several months by the time you receive this missive, if indeed the couriers are still as slow as they were when I first took the post of Captain, back in '73... then again, those were the days when a privateer didn't necessarily need letters of marque, he(she, in my case, haha) simply plundered and pillaged. Ah, how the rum and eggnog flowed in those days! I remember them all fondly. 'T wasn't such a long time ago, now was it, Sir? You and I both, full of ideals and rampant disregard for the King's laws. Then again, we're subject to those laws now, eh? You old scurvy dog, you. But I ramble, forgive me. Paper isn't so bountiful that I can waste space on memories, isn't that right. Though I suppose we could always attempt to press more out of those palm leaves... shall have the crew look into it.

But yes! The island. We found the boundary you spoke of, and have undertaken several expeditions into the ...Faerie, I suppose you'd call it. The place where the natural state of the island meets Faerie is odd, to say the least. It's as if the island simply ends, and Faerie begins, with no sensible markers or anything to indicate a break. You walk down an animal path, looking ahead to the coconut groves, and then find yourself in Faerie, where the land is much like that of the Highlands back home, flattening into moors and hilly plains after about two dayss travel. Tis quite a shock, to trod from tropical heat to that sort of autumnal cool. The meeting-place line extends quite a ways, perhaps half a mile or so, and we've taken steps to mark it with little flags, so as not to get a sudden surprise upon our morning patrol. Everything goes rather well; only minor casualties so far. Lost a couple of men to a rock troll. Terrible, really. Wandering the gully one moment, down the troll's gullet the next. Rest of us just ran; what where we to do against the likes of that? Have marked the gully as well, with careful notation to the rest of the lads to avoid it. I say that everything goes well, but that would be a lie... our rum has gone, and the lads were upset about that, but I calmed them with promises of faerie gold and trinkets. And that worked, but well, there's a problem you see. The chai has run out. And this the lads don't take nearly so well. So please Sir, if you could find it in your best interest to send more chai via an expedient source, then myself and the rest of the lads would be quite grateful to you and the rest of the Navy. More eggnog, too. And some bagels, perhaps? I shall continue to do the best to research the nature of (F)faerie and send updated reports on a reg'lar basis.

In yer service,

Dread Piratess