Thursday, June 23, 2005

From the Lion's Teeth

It's been far too long since I've updated. Becoming busy will do that. Not that I have much to say that's relevant to anything... I've decided to make a soundtrack for myself, of myself, about myself. Yeah, it sounds weird. Basically, I'm picking songs that fit me. The outside me that everyone sees, and the inside me that's, well, me. It'll be two cds, I think... Layer 01 and Layer 02.

I've been doing rehearsal for Merry Wives of Windsor and they're going well; we open in less than three weeks, on Monday the 11th. I'm excited and nervous. Zy said, in regards to tattoos, that one should wait 6 months to be really sure you want it, then wait another 6 months before finally getting it. She told me what she'll be getting, and it's a really cool idea.

School ends in less than three weeks as well. Our final is on July 7th. Squee! One session down, one to go.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Adrift on Dark Wings

It's hard to be alone, sometimes. I think I've gotten used to it by just not thinking about it and by burying it beneath dreams and random thoughts, and wishes. And I don't really mean "alone" in the sense of "not in a relationship" or "lacking that special someone". I have friends, and I'm very close to those friends. But even so, at times I feel like I'm one entity, unnoticed and forgotten, amidst this giant stream of life occuring all around me, and all I can do is watch and observe. Like the times when I go to Barnes and Noble or Half-Price Books by myself. I see couples, children, people with friends, all interacting and being, and I stand by and wonder what they're thinking, what they'll do tomorrow, and so on. At Half-price it's even worse, because all those people seem to know another by first name, it's like this little clique that no-one wants to tell you the password to, and all you can do is think "I wish I could be on the other side". Every now and then I wonder what life is like for those people who have a thousand different aquaintances, but no one they can really call "friend". I've got people I can call "friend" in the truest sense that should I ever need it, they'd probably help me move bodies. But I'm not sure I have all that many aquaintances, and often it's hard to wander around without anyone to talk to. So I deal by not thinking about it. Which, when you're as inclined to overthink and overanalyze as I am, is not an easy task. It's an amusing life I lead, I think...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Falling Into Darkness

I've been told by two people in my life so far that I'm clingy; no, three people. All of them at one point or another meant a lot to me, and hearing that I was clingy wasn't the most fun in the world. But it opens your eyes to flaws you might not see by glancing at yourself in the proverbial mirror of your soul, as it were... And to be honest, afterwards I did start to look at myself, and wonder if maybe I was clingy. I do notice it, now, when I start doing things that I personally would consider to be clingy, and I always try to stop, or at least tone down, my clingyness. Sprite mentioned tonight that I worry too much, and that most people worry too much. It's true. I've always been a worrier, an eternal pessimist(except when it comes to certain situations in which, truly, I should be the most pessimistic of all), and yes, when I care about someone I make it known. *shrugs* With Brey it was different, because it was a long-distance relationship, and after we started talking on the phone it just became habit to talk to her nightly that way. It's very difficult to move back to simple online conversation when you've heard their voice, especially and even more so when you don't see that person every day, or even every few months. Fade was different... she's still different, now that we're talking again. I got drawn into the black hole of her personality, her disfunction, her problems, and, being me, I tried to help in the best way I knew how, by talking and being there for her, even if only through instant messages and emails. And when she tried to tear me down, at the end, she brought up that flaw(is it really, though?) amongst other things, and that was the end of our conversations. We didn't talk for almost a year, and I drowned myself in forums and webcomics, staying as far away from instant messaging programs as I could, for more than six months. Now that we're talking again, we just are... I'm not sure that there's friendship there as much as a sense of "I still care about you in some way". She's incredibly self-destructive, but brilliant at the same time, and I think she's the only person I've ever managed to stop worrying about. I know that regardless of what I say she'll still have her habits, and she's not willing to change, her environment won't let her change. So I wall off whatever worry I may have felt at some point, and ignore it, if that worry even still exists. She doesn't surprise me much, anymore.

Since then, I think I've managed slightly well to keep from clinging too much. Everyone needs their personal space, I should know that more than anyone. So I find myself not sending that email to comment on whatever is going through my head at the time, or not immediately dropping what I'm doing to go over and talk with whomever. Or at least I'm trying. And that's what counts, isn't it? The trying?