Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Misanthropic Tendencies

One thing that is definately not cool in my book is reading other people's private stuff. Especially when it's read to other people. Like a certain person, who has the privilege of reading my friends-only livejournal. And abused... no, raped that privilege by going through my entries and reading certain parts pertaining to another person, to that person. And then complicating my life by sharing that information with yet another person, with whom I'm already on bad terms. And damn this is difficult to write without putting in actual names. Thankfully the person this stuff was read to already knew most of it, and didn't care one whit that it was written. She was also kind enough to let me know that my friends-only livejournal had been compromised.

I'm not even angry about it anymore. Just ...disappointed. I thought I knew this person better than that. But apparently not. And so now there will be unnecessary drama and theatrics in Ohio, and that's the last thing I want. I wanted to hang out with various xForumites, drink some good alcohol, game a little bit, talk with Fae, and have a fun time. Now I have to worry about getting my ass kicked by a certain person for two different reasons. *sighs* As if I didn't have enough to worry about. Hell's bells.

So yes, there is empty disappointment about this whole situation. And I know I'll forgive the travesty, because a) I'm stupid like that, and b) I can't hold grudges. It may take a few weeks or months though. This is more serious than a little white lie. This is fucking over my trust.

On that note: I tend to use my livejournal to bitch about my hopeless romanticism and suchlike. Now I might as well start posting about stemware and laundry detergent. What's the use in having a private journal if you're never sure that it's not being read to a thousand other people?

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Not in the band

Being second fiddle hurts sometimes, it really does. I know I can't change it, I don't think... but it does hurt, somewhere. I should get used to it though, maybe. In three days(or is it four?), I leave for Ohio, and often lately it's felt like I'm walking toward something of Great Importance. Like my destiny is screaming out towards me. It's a ...scary feeling. I have very bad luck when handling dice, and it seems that it transfers to life occasionally also. Not that that should matter. I really hope it doesn't. But I think I'll find out, in Ohio. I'm listening to the song that reminds me of her, and having thoughts. A maelstrom of thought, and its screaming inside my head, wanting to get out and be told. But it's not always possible to tell everything. I know it's melodrama, but that's ok.. everyone needs some in their lives. Right? Right. *decisive nod* And so I'll see what happens, and come out of it with lessons learned and scars earned.

Friday, March 18, 2005


I feel like someone's shoved me out of the Heart of Gold to float for the rest of eternity in the galaxy, without even a towel. I found out that fae will probably finish her schooling at her inlaws in Alabama because her dad-in-law is dying and her husband wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And she can either end up in Austin or Atlanta. And she hasn't really emailed at all lately, and I keep sending my fluffy happy little emails, and it's like I'm sending message bottles into the vast sea of cyberspace and never getting the answers of "rescue's coming!" that I truly want.. no, not truly want. Desperately need. And I feel so lost and I have a bad-weird feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't even think in straight lines. It's like a thousand thousand thoughts were thrown into my brain at the same time, and I can't catch any of them, beyond feeling so very, very lost. I don't even know her, really, beyond months of conversations. But somehow she's thrown thorn tangles through my soul, and I think I love her, the way I loved Breyanna, and I know she'll never leave Frank, so really, I shouldn't get upset over this, and I'm already writing this stupid blog differently because godsdammit I know I'm going to end up showing her when it's written. Because I'm stupid and gluttonous for self-flagellation that way. *clenches teeth* None of this has anything to do with me beyond conversation-points between us, as it's her life and I'm not the type of person to say "thou shan't do this". But as I just said in a conversation, the same thing happened with Brey before she broke up with me. She became distant and further apart.. the "i love you's" came less frequently.. her end of the conversation was more syllabic. Her emails stopped, or might as well have. And it scares the hell out of me, because I remember what happened when we broke up. I cried myself to sleep, and damn near broke into tears everytime I thought of her, for nearly a week. Maybe I am just a stupid hopeless romantic, but I can't help falling in love. It's who I am. I don't know. I told myself after Brey that I wouldn't get into anymore long distance relationships of any sort. And then there was Fade, who was and is still fucked up. And then there was Tigs, whom I liked more than was smart, and whom I was told was an incorrigible flirt who was unable to make up her mind. And then, nothing until one night I sat in front of my computer, sipping peppermint tea and trying desperately not to vomit, when fae started a conversation with me, and talked with me through the night while I intermittendly ran to empty my stomach. And it turned out that she wasn't the bitch she played on the forums, but rather a really awesome person to talk to, someone I actually connected with more than I had with anyone since, well, Brey. And of course she was married, and yeah.. husbands finding emails is bad. And so we've tried the friends thing. And I think it works. As long as neither of us thinks wenchy thoughts about the other. Ohio Gathering will be soon, and I don't really know anymore, about anything. What's going to happen or not happen, I try not to think about. She's not going to leave Frank, I know that. At the core of my heart, I know that. And I know somewhere in mine that I want to be with her, yeah, I deleted part of a sentence here. Fuck blogs, fuck them all. I want to be with her, but it won't go beyond friendship, I don't think. Because she loves him far, far, too much. I'm more than rambling now, and it's not good, because I think I've pretty much out-thought myself in that I have nothing coherent to write anymore. *sighs* Yeah. I shouldn't be allowed to type when I'm like this. This is exactly why I sleep when I fall into this type of mood. Because it keeps from thinking. Sleep is the great equalizer. I dream, and I don't worry. I don't overanalyze. I don't spiral myself down into melancholy because I have icky thoughts. ....and now I'm all thought out.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Posts(both lamp and written)

Yes, I'm going to cross-post this one. If you can't handle that, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on. =D Sorry, I just felt like typing that out.
Life moves as always, we're starting historical shirts in Costuming, and it will be bad ass, because I'm making a shirt for myself, dammit, and I will(hopefully ) wear it to Ren Faire this year. It will be uber. And Stacy mentioned to Tracey that she loves the bodice she has for her prom dress in the play, so of course I'm going to be a moron and ask her if she wants me to make one for her. Because I'm just like that. Not that anything will necessarily come of it, but I feel like I should ask anyways. My skills aren't that 1337 yet. I hope I can pull it off.
No word yet on Ohio, which makes me sad. =( I really hope I can go, I truly do. I want to go, I *need* to go. Because it will be my first trip outside Texas in about 14 years, and because it's an xF gathering, and because many people will be there, Fae among them. Spring break will be spent working so as to have spending cash during the trip. Yes, yes it will. But I'll try to sleep as well, and relax, and talk to friends both online and in meatspace.
Ambra and I hung out after the geology test today, which was great.. because Shawn got out of his class fifty minutes early to try and intercept us, only to find that I'd already been with her for nearly an hour. Priceless. I love making him jealous. He's just clingy enough to make it all worthwhile. And as long as Ambra doesn't mind, why should I stop? After all, it's something I can do with no action at all on my part, except for being in Ambra's presence when he comes around.
It's quite idiotic to try and keep this thing personal and introspective only, especially when you know exactly who's going to be reading it. So, forget introspectiveness. I've emailed Zoe a few times, and she's actually pretty nifty to talk to. I'm sure that will increase tenfold when she's not sick with fever. =) I've thought about doing the Japanese major thing, but Theatre got its claws into me first. Which I must say, I'm enjoying quite a bit.
I have time now, for a few days before we finish the run of the show, and I'm quite enjoying the fact that I have free time now. I went out today and bought fabric for my Ren-shirt. White cotton with a light-green plaid design on it. The plain white cotton was too short, which irked me to no end. But I'll manage with the other stuff, and now that I know roughly how it goes, the second shirt will be much easier. Also, many thanks go to Kate for posting her "quick and dirty Ren shirts" guide. *squozes* If I make it to Ohio, I'll start my greatcoat after I get back. I'm very much wanting to do that project as well; I can only hope that I find enough time. And speaking of which, I still have several bags to make for people. That design will slowly improve as well.
*grins* I'm feeling rather good at the moment. It's a nice feeling, actually. Now I should do some homework, and then head to bed until later tonight.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Confusion in the Ranks

I've just finished a conversation with Ambra, which was interesting/amusing/fun. Once again there was possible subliminal flirting. *sighs* I was going to type out a long rambly thing, but I'm too tired. So I'll go to bed and sleep instead.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

I shouldn't email people when I've had too much to drink, really. I read over something I sent at 5-something in the morning. Ick. Eh. Um. Yeah. It's been done, and I'm not going to unsend it, if that's even possible. *sighs* Whatever happens, happens. I just hope it's not too bad. Blah.