Saturday, December 22, 2007

Machinery and the Human Heart

Tonight a revelation occurred to me, namely the vague idea that I picked up from reading Evil for Evil. I think what my brain is trying to gestate at is that relationships are the end result of careful planning, figuring out what you want or need and then finding the necessary steps and components to achieve that goal. It's like a big, thought-out process, and if you like you can really break it down step by step and get a good plan going to achieve your goals. In ending the relationship I was in, due to lack of communication, I threw away, discarded a year and a half of love, conversation, comfort, etc... all lost like chaff to the wind because I never heard word from her. I'm not sure exactly what I was "planning" toward - maybe just my own eventual happiness(but isn't that what everyone plans toward?), but either way, it was a long, drawn-out process before I realized that somewhere a flaw had worked in(to keep up the machine analogy), and that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. No fault on my own part, I don't believe, since I did make plenty of effort to reach out and be communicative. No, the flaw lay elsewhere. For all I know it could all be down to outside influences, namely that she found someone else and never told me. I'm not altogether sure how I'd have taken that news, but it would certainly have been better than this perpetual limbo, waiting for word that will probably never come.

Theoretically, I could construct some elaborate plan for my next relationship to achieve whatever nebulous goal I might try to get out of it. Use whatever resources I have at hand to the best of my ability, and see how it falls into place. And yes, I am talking about manipulation, of people, feelings, situations, etc. Isn't that appalling? When you break down the simple steps of it, that's really what it comes down to, only nobody wants to look at it that way. Maybe it's all because most of that process is subconscious. So yes, that's part of the thought process I went through earlier tonight. Scary how the mind works, when applied properly.

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