Sparky and I have decided to amicably end our relationship. We still love each other, and I would still love to get completely smashed with her one day. Not to mention hang out and do fun things like eat poutine and watch Firefly. (I'm still right by the way, haha!) I've been talking a lot with a wonderful girl in Georgia, and somehow ended up falling in love with her. She makes me happy, and I make her happy. So we're now dating, and both Sparky and I are ok with that. =)
I wonder what her stepmom hates more - that she was dating a 26-year old at 17, or that she's now 19 and married with a baby and no future prospects. Hahhaha. I'm just glad I'm not the man in that situation. Yeah, I'm a petty asshole. But she's right in not talking to me anymore. We had nothing left to say, and those months changed too much. I've moved on, for the most part. Cynicism is still there, though.
So, I won't be attending WTAMU in the fall; instead, I'll be staying here, helping out at the restaurant. Watching over family. I'm pretty sure it's the right decision, and it's better to be close than far away. As I told Orren today, there's no way to get home quickly when you're 600 miles away on campus. Anne was understanding, and will be taking over my Proof design - I was really excited to do it, but with Mom's passing away there's almost no way I could be back in school for fall, and I think I'd be more distracted than anything else anyways. I'm partially still in a "get distracted, think about simple things" mode, I think...
I weighed myself earlier, and I'm at 205.5 lbs, some 20 lbs heavier than I used to be, but 5 pounds lighter than at Christmas. I'd like to lose that weight again, it's annoying that my shirts are all tighter and my pants even more so. Now that I have the luxury(ha ha ha) of free time on my days off, I can get some sort of plan in the works to get in shape, and do other stuff.
I'd like to start: getting to bed earlier - maybe around 1am each night. wake up earlier - that way I don't lose half the day to sleep exercise in the mornings, even if it's just walking spend afternoons writing and drawing paint more get good at painting/writing/drawing experiment with art supplies
Lots and lots to do, and part of it includes procrastinating less and spending far less time on the computer. I honestly don't need to check my email every twenty minutes, and Flickr will certainly still be there seven hours later. All that time could be put to much better use. Yes, I work 11-hour days for part of the week, but I also have days off, and in that time I can be productive and not sit around doing nothing of importance.
Lacey moved, and is no longer homeless, which is good. Also, there is new address, and that means more letter-writing! Woot! And I got some new parchment, which will be nice to use, rather than whatever bits of paper I could get my hands on. Now though, it's 1am... and I think I'm off to bed for sleep.
Sparky is homeless, according to her facebook update. And I don't know why. I knew she was looking for another apartment, but I've no idea what happened. I hate being so out of touch. Working till 11:30 at night, when she works til 9 and is a time-zone ahead, sucks. We rarely have chances to talk anymore, and I don't like it. Wish there was something I could do, but for now I'm stuck. Can't just not work, Dad kinda needs the help. Leaving voicemails sometimes just isn't enough. When did life become so difficult? Oh yeah, I remember - early June. Fuck.
I haven't written in a long time. I'm going to pretend this is my moleskine, in which I haven't written in a long time either. The past couple of days have been busy at work. Each night I find myself drawing into myself at some point, turning inward and outwardly getting upset and bothered. Not necessarily visibly, just in my head. It's not easy, being at the restaurant so much. I'm not sure I'll go back to Canyon. I love theater, but right now all I want to do is spend time on my hobbies. Talk with friends and loved ones. Listen to music. Each semester is a grind that has to be gone through. Its good points and bad. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Dad can't work alone, and we're helping as much as we can. Leaving for school, 600 miles away, wouldn't be fair to any of us. Staying here would be just as unfair, to me. Life's changed a lot since Mom passed away. The kitchen is messier, the counters not wiped down as often. We go grocery shopping once a week, purchasing necessities. We buy far less than Mom used to. Three men handle laundry, and cooking, and make due as best they can. I've felt it rising up the past week or so, a feeling of.. loss? Dissatisfaction? Mom passed away, and left all of us scrambling to collect the pieces, to put ourselves back together again. To try and find some path to walk, taking care of one another. Too many questions left, and I don't want to deal with any of it. I've wondered in the past if I inherited any of her psychological fears, disorders. I just don't know. And right now I don't want to. Let me be in my bubble world a little longer, taking in the peace and quiet.
So on Tuesday was game night... or wasn't, more properly said. We haven't gamed since I've gotten back, but at least we started making RIFTS characters for Orren's campaign. Knowing him, he'll get bored of it in a few weeks. But that's alright. I'm going to be playing an Operator, which is pretty much that game's equivalent of a mechanic. ...I like playing mechanics in RIFTS, they're easy. Plus, it's fun to play someone relatively "normal" in a world like that.
Tuesday afternoon was spent in Half-price. I found a perfect copy of The Hobbit in the clearance section for $1, so I had to pick it up. You can't go wrong with the classics, especially not one of my favorite books of all time. Lord of the Rings is a good series, but The Hobbit, for me, is where the magic is at. I must have read that book at least seven times while I was still in high school... Attached to Half-price is Cafe Calypso, and that's my usual coffee haunt. Everyone is very friendly, they have great coffee, and your first refill on the coffee of the day is half-price. After I browsed, I sat and wrote a paper journal entry, in my Moleskine, a full three pages. Which surprised me, since it's usually 1-page entries.
Since then it's been the same old, with lots of miniature painting thrown in. I've got two Kossite Woodsmen mostly done, and the Kodiak is about 90& done - just need to base him and do some of the metals. I'd love to get some more games of Warmachine in with the guys, but it's hard to schedule something like that, and I've no idea where we'd play. I've considered asking for donations so I could get some materials together and make a decent gaming table/surface. It's something that would great to have, almost necessary even, but I know that I'm going to be stuck with the bulk of the work if I volunteer. Which theoretically isn't that bad... except that I'm not going to shell out $50 by myself for materials, when I can ask the guys to throw in $10 or $15 each to cover it.
Life is fun, especially when you're stuck in limbo. I have one and a half years - three semesters - to go before I graduate. I'll have a theatre degree, which means that I'll probably end up working some low-end retail jobs, selling cappuccinos to unhappy office workers. My family is a mess, everybody for themselves and nobody together. Dad works, and leaves early just, I think, to get away and have his peace. Mom hates working in the restaurant, but can't get away because it's impossible to find anyone who will stand all the training you need to work in a kitchen. Plus, bad hours and only decent pay to work in a hectic, non-air conditioned environment on nights and weekends and all holidays. Brother sticks to himself and immerses himself in computer games. Sister is a bitch, who riles everyone up just by being home. Screaming matches with mom, and everyone else gets upset because of the pervasive ugly mood.
I don't know what I'll do. Right now I just want to finish school and be done with it, and then find my own life. I want to help Sparky, which is difficult when I'm so far away. I've looked up various immigration requirements to Canada(and why not? It seems a nice place to live.) Unfortunately, it looks like I wouldn't make the "skilled workers" requirements unless I work for several years after graduation. Family immigration laws are just as odd; it also covers spousal and other relationship requirements. Sparky, please don't freak out that I've looked over those. *slight smile* I've even considered possibly going back to Germany for a bit, to visit family and maybe see what the theater environment is like over there. Basically, what it amounts to is that I have no idea what will happen after I graduate. All I know is that I pretty much need a huge cushion of savings if I want to do anything at all. Money makes the world go 'round. Who'd have thought? Hahahahaha. Too bad I have pretty much none, and no decent prospects either. But it helps to keep my mind off the fact that I'm basically fucked. If I don't think about it, it will all go away and fix itself, right? Right.
She was right, I did love that damned umbrella. At least, the way she twirled and spun it in her hands as she idly watched the passing clouds. There were days when it was a good indicator of her mood, seeing that umbrella in her hands. She was full of fiery passion, and used the umbrella to emphasize all her points. The captain got a good poke in the chest, upon trying to tell her that the voyage would take longer than expected due to crosswinds. When my dearest love had an appointment, even Heaven and Hell couldn't keep her from making it on time. The captain, ever apologetic, pushed his crew to the limits, stoked the engines, and made for Frankfurt at all haste. Somehow, we managed to keep on schedule, crosswinds be damned. And she just stood at the rail, umbrella draped on her shoulder, smiling that wicked smile of hers.
Sometimes we're all fools. Spent ages today cleaning old junk out of the garage - consolidating items into fewer boxes, general clean-up. Found a high school yearbook, tons of old miniatures, my roleplaying books. A few hardcovers that I'd been seeking for years. (Thanks Mom, for taking the initiative and putting them in a place I'd never think to look for them.) Old letters, as well, from Breyanna and Karye. I used to have a huge crush on Karye, and didn't realize it until after she moved to Nebraska to live with her grandparents, halfway through senior year. She joined the National Guard, and we kept in touch via letter for a year or two. Last I heard, she was working in Port A, in a restaurant about 5 minute's walk from the one I work at. Never did figure out if she liked me as I liked her.
Breyanna I was with in a long-distance relationship for almost two years. Then she broke up with me in an email. That's the day I learned that it is possible to cry yourself to sleep at night.
Just occurred to me, both my relationship with Breyanna and that with Zeraphyna lasted less than two years. I met Zeraphyna in June of '06, and in December '07 I decided that not having heard from her in three months was cause enough to consider myself single again. Maybe I'm doomed to continue on a trend of less-than-two-year relationships forever. Although granted, basing that on two relationships is a bit ridiculous. So here's hoping that Sparky and I last for a much longer time. =)
Reading old letters always brings back memories, and not always good ones. Not necessarily bad either, just reminiscences that hark back to days long gone. I get the same feeling when I look through my old yearbooks. They're anchors to memories that are buried somewhere in my head, and come out when the right chain is pulled. It's good to have them, I think. There are things that shouldn't be forgotten, and little reminders can help with that.
I read in one of Brey's letters about a project she was working on - a little jewelry thing. She sent it to me, and it was an open book, done in brass. A small little thing, but I carried it around for ages, and now I wonder what ever happened to it. Maybe I'll come across it again one day.
Not much of an update perhaps... in the time between planning to start a blog post for today, and actually getting around to it, I managed to lose about an hour to various random distractions. Curse you, internet!
I worked today, in the kitchen for the first time in ages. Dishwashing isn't so bad, except it's not just washing dishes, it's also making desserts and salads. Eh. No big deal. I just hate the stress that comes with it. Things will get hectic, Dad will curse at something, Mom will take it personally, she'll get upset, and so on. Mom takes lots and lots of things personally, and you never know when you can joke around with her and when she'll flip. This is part of why I wonder if I'm broken in the same way or not. I still have moments where little things will set me off, but I like to think that for the most part I'm pretty easy-going.
Also got to experience the wonders of sisters today. Something I didn't miss at all, honestly. My sister is a bitch, and I'm being plainspoken here. Not bending the facts, just telling it like it is. She got up this morning, and I had my phone on the table, charging. She asks whose phone it is. Well, it's mine... since I washed mine last summer, and got Mum's to use. So, I say that it's mine. She asks when I got a new phone, did the old one get stolen, why do I have that phone. Not in a nice manner. In a "I'm interrogating you and you're going to answer me" manner. Keep in mind this was literally minutes after she got up. ...part of me likes Canyon, because it's far away from her and the stress she causes the entire family.
Talked to Lacey the night before last, which was nice. ^.^ It's always good to be able to hear your significant other's voice. Now I just need to pick up a webcam, so she can see me as well. Go Skype! It makes the distance much easier to bear, when you can save on long distance and still talk to a pretty Canadian gal. ;-)
Still trying to arrange some sort of coffee thing with Zeraphyna. She's somewhat... flighty? It took me ages to figure that out, and now I just go along with it, even if it does annoy me a tad now and then. She said she still had things to tell me, before she said yes or no to coffee with me. So, whatever happens, happens, I guess. For now though, I'm going to bed and thinking wicked Sparky thoughts.
She watched over me... we've traveled this world for years. I still remember, that day in November, when we boarded the ship. Full of passion, luggage carted on, our honeymoon before us. She was brilliant in her dress, creamy white, lace, pleated skirts ragged at the hems. The flight cap she'd bought earlier sat loose on her head, her brilliant curls peeking out from beneath. The goggles glinted brass in the sun, and she grinned at me as she walked up the gangplank, spinning that damned umbrella over her shoulder as she threw me a wink. I was young and eager, new to the world. Naive. I loved her and she loved me, and that was the beginning and the end of my thoughts on the matter. We'd never traveled via airship before, and it was an experience for both of us. The nights were filled with passion, and I remember at least one night of lovemaking during a raging thunderstorm. The lightning and booming thunder heightened our frenzy and drove us closer together, and later, exhausted, we slept in each other's arms.
We have traveled this world for years We have consoled each other's fears We have dried each other's tears With a fever, with a passion...
I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics. Such a small sample of such a great song. It's Abney Park's "She", if anyone is wondering. I need that passion from whomever I'm with. I need attention, and love, and intimacy... Zeraphyna gave me all, until she moved. It got harder after that, unfortunately, until she disappeared altogether. I'm hopefully optimistic at most times. I feel that way about Sparky; there's passion there, yeah. But also understanding, I should hope. I think there is. I get very involved in my relationships. My "what animal are you?" quiz showed me to be the wolf, which fits I think - I'm very protective of my pack. Enough rambling, though. It's late, and my bed is calling.
Nice thoughts swirl through my mind. I'm getting a headache, have a headache. Slight enough, right now. But a good sign that I need to get myself into bed. So I'll do that shortly after writing this out.
Had a great conversation tonight with someone quite dear to me. :-) And previous to that I saw Unexpected Tenderness, which was brilliantly put on and very emotionally moving.
Also, something else I've wanted to write for a few nights now: Sometimes they ran for the sheer joy of it.
Abney Park still has my soul. When I get back home, I'm ordering their cds as soon as I can. Steampunk earworms, who'd have thought?
So, since Sparky linked me on her own blog, I guess I'm a bit obligated to post more often, eh? Usually my blogspot's reserved for writerly-type writings of the fiction sort, but I suppose I can make an exception for a bit. Not like I have time(with school and everything) to come up with fiction anyways.
Not much news lately... the end of the semester approaches, and I have quite a bit of work to do between now and then, as well as study for finals.
I still have points where I go "holy fuck! I'm in a relationship!" (with Sparky no less, whom I've liked for ages now... ) No, really. (and Lacey, if you're reading this - yeah, I've totally had a crush on you almost from the beginning.) It's just always been one of those cases of "won't happen, no way, no chance... distance is too great, etc etc.) Except that now... we're together. And just typing that makes me grin like mad. Who'd have ever thought? I certainly didn't. But it's a wonderful feeling, and I love how she makes me feel. (I'm also a total hopeless romantic sometimes.) Anyways. Now that that's typed, I'm going to crash. Sleep calls, and I'm always up way past my bedtime. =)
So, for those of you who don't frequent my Facebook, or zetachannel for that matter, I have a small announcement. Well, a small huge announcement. Sparky(ie. Lacey) and I are now in a relationship. We've been talking a lot the past few weeks, and the first phone conversation we had, which was supposed to be a quick "good night" call, turned into a three-hour discussion on a huge variety of topics, that ended with both of us going to bed rather sleepy yet happy. Yes, she lives in Ontario, and yes, it's a long-distance relationship. We've known each other for 3-ish years no, I think, and been pen-pals for a few of those. She's hoping to make it down to Corpus this summer to visit, which would be totally awesome. (And I told her it would make an awesome graduation present to herself). So, yeah. She makes me smile, I make her smile, we like each other, and we're together. While I still have to completely wrap my head around the relationship thing, and the distance, it's something that I think I'm willing to work through.
In other news, the next few weeks may end up being very detrimental to my health. I have three 5-page papers to finish, 5 full-color costume renderings to do, a stage management binder to write up, a portfolio to finish for theater juries next week, and oh yeah... finals to study for. Did I mention the Drawing 1 projects I have to finish and turn in? Yeah. Three weeks of school left, and enough work to cram in there for a month. Why am I posting here then, you ask? Procrastination, my dear reader, I answer with a grim smile. Nothing more than simple procrastination.
Sometimes life is nice after all. And it's good to have a night where you know that you've managed to cheer someone up. I talked with Sparky again tonight, and it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with, and to make her smile. She may visit in summer, and it would be awesome to hang out with her. Short post, but there you have it.