Monday, December 24, 2007

On Relationships

It's Christmas Eve and I'm miserable. I'm home, which is good. It's nice to be back. But I what I expected never was. I thought I'd come home, have a happy reunion with Ashly, be happy-peachy keen, spend 4 weeks avoiding cold weather and in her company, all would be well. Instead, I'm single(of my own declaration), miserable, lonely, hating the fact that I'm alone again on Christmas and New Year's, upset because I don't know why she stopped talking with me, upset because I know cutting ties is the best thing for me, but still beating myself up over the decision because what if, suddenly, she came back?

Fucking misery. I'm torn over my fucking relationship, because I thought I loved her(of course I did, how could I not?), and now I'm still in love(maybe), but she's not in my life anymore(her own choices, I suppose... what happens when you don't hear from your girlfriend in two months?), and I have no idea how to deal with it. Yay, I can move on with my life! vs. Crap, I'm alone! Relationships and I are not friends... more like acquaintances. I know the basics of Relationship, but it's like testing deep water - I have no idea how far down it goes. Or how to avoid drowning.

I just wish it hadn;t ended the way it did. Or that at least she'd told me that it was over, if it even is. I haven't heard from her since mid-October, remember? So for all I know we could still be together, with her simply on hiatus, or in her own world, or whatever. Hell if I know. But I do know that all my efforts at reaching her went unanswered. And eventually even I learn that sending out messages in bottles over and over with no reply isn't going to have a different outcome the 301^nth time. Only solution would be to stop by where she works, and talk to her then - but that's probably the height of unprofessional, isn't it? So I don't really want to take that option. What happened? Why? When did we start failing? Did we ever start failing? Did she meet someone else? Isn't it the right thing to do to tell your boyfriend that you don't wish to be in a relationship anymore?

What does one do with all the pieces of that relationship, once it's over? All the pictures, the letters, the memories? Do you tuck them away, only to bring them out every now and then to re-open the wound? Or does the pain eventually stop? Why do I have trouble getting close to people? Every time I think I'm over this, I have a bad night and memories and thoughts come flooding up, and I go down into a misery.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Machinery and the Human Heart

Tonight a revelation occurred to me, namely the vague idea that I picked up from reading Evil for Evil. I think what my brain is trying to gestate at is that relationships are the end result of careful planning, figuring out what you want or need and then finding the necessary steps and components to achieve that goal. It's like a big, thought-out process, and if you like you can really break it down step by step and get a good plan going to achieve your goals. In ending the relationship I was in, due to lack of communication, I threw away, discarded a year and a half of love, conversation, comfort, etc... all lost like chaff to the wind because I never heard word from her. I'm not sure exactly what I was "planning" toward - maybe just my own eventual happiness(but isn't that what everyone plans toward?), but either way, it was a long, drawn-out process before I realized that somewhere a flaw had worked in(to keep up the machine analogy), and that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. No fault on my own part, I don't believe, since I did make plenty of effort to reach out and be communicative. No, the flaw lay elsewhere. For all I know it could all be down to outside influences, namely that she found someone else and never told me. I'm not altogether sure how I'd have taken that news, but it would certainly have been better than this perpetual limbo, waiting for word that will probably never come.

Theoretically, I could construct some elaborate plan for my next relationship to achieve whatever nebulous goal I might try to get out of it. Use whatever resources I have at hand to the best of my ability, and see how it falls into place. And yes, I am talking about manipulation, of people, feelings, situations, etc. Isn't that appalling? When you break down the simple steps of it, that's really what it comes down to, only nobody wants to look at it that way. Maybe it's all because most of that process is subconscious. So yes, that's part of the thought process I went through earlier tonight. Scary how the mind works, when applied properly.