Friday, July 18, 2008

Sadness and Contemplation

I haven't written in a long time. I'm going to pretend this is my moleskine, in which I haven't written in a long time either.
The past couple of days have been busy at work. Each night I find myself drawing into myself at some point, turning inward and outwardly getting upset and bothered. Not necessarily visibly, just in my head. It's not easy, being at the restaurant so much.
I'm not sure I'll go back to Canyon. I love theater, but right now all I want to do is spend time on my hobbies. Talk with friends and loved ones. Listen to music. Each semester is a grind that has to be gone through. Its good points and bad. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Dad can't work alone, and we're helping as much as we can. Leaving for school, 600 miles away, wouldn't be fair to any of us. Staying here would be just as unfair, to me.
Life's changed a lot since Mom passed away. The kitchen is messier, the counters not wiped down as often. We go grocery shopping once a week, purchasing necessities. We buy far less than Mom used to. Three men handle laundry, and cooking, and make due as best they can.
I've felt it rising up the past week or so, a feeling of.. loss? Dissatisfaction? Mom passed away, and left all of us scrambling to collect the pieces, to put ourselves back together again. To try and find some path to walk, taking care of one another. Too many questions left, and I don't want to deal with any of it. I've wondered in the past if I inherited any of her psychological fears, disorders. I just don't know. And right now I don't want to. Let me be in my bubble world a little longer, taking in the peace and quiet.

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