Friday, March 18, 2005


I feel like someone's shoved me out of the Heart of Gold to float for the rest of eternity in the galaxy, without even a towel. I found out that fae will probably finish her schooling at her inlaws in Alabama because her dad-in-law is dying and her husband wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And she can either end up in Austin or Atlanta. And she hasn't really emailed at all lately, and I keep sending my fluffy happy little emails, and it's like I'm sending message bottles into the vast sea of cyberspace and never getting the answers of "rescue's coming!" that I truly want.. no, not truly want. Desperately need. And I feel so lost and I have a bad-weird feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't even think in straight lines. It's like a thousand thousand thoughts were thrown into my brain at the same time, and I can't catch any of them, beyond feeling so very, very lost. I don't even know her, really, beyond months of conversations. But somehow she's thrown thorn tangles through my soul, and I think I love her, the way I loved Breyanna, and I know she'll never leave Frank, so really, I shouldn't get upset over this, and I'm already writing this stupid blog differently because godsdammit I know I'm going to end up showing her when it's written. Because I'm stupid and gluttonous for self-flagellation that way. *clenches teeth* None of this has anything to do with me beyond conversation-points between us, as it's her life and I'm not the type of person to say "thou shan't do this". But as I just said in a conversation, the same thing happened with Brey before she broke up with me. She became distant and further apart.. the "i love you's" came less frequently.. her end of the conversation was more syllabic. Her emails stopped, or might as well have. And it scares the hell out of me, because I remember what happened when we broke up. I cried myself to sleep, and damn near broke into tears everytime I thought of her, for nearly a week. Maybe I am just a stupid hopeless romantic, but I can't help falling in love. It's who I am. I don't know. I told myself after Brey that I wouldn't get into anymore long distance relationships of any sort. And then there was Fade, who was and is still fucked up. And then there was Tigs, whom I liked more than was smart, and whom I was told was an incorrigible flirt who was unable to make up her mind. And then, nothing until one night I sat in front of my computer, sipping peppermint tea and trying desperately not to vomit, when fae started a conversation with me, and talked with me through the night while I intermittendly ran to empty my stomach. And it turned out that she wasn't the bitch she played on the forums, but rather a really awesome person to talk to, someone I actually connected with more than I had with anyone since, well, Brey. And of course she was married, and yeah.. husbands finding emails is bad. And so we've tried the friends thing. And I think it works. As long as neither of us thinks wenchy thoughts about the other. Ohio Gathering will be soon, and I don't really know anymore, about anything. What's going to happen or not happen, I try not to think about. She's not going to leave Frank, I know that. At the core of my heart, I know that. And I know somewhere in mine that I want to be with her, yeah, I deleted part of a sentence here. Fuck blogs, fuck them all. I want to be with her, but it won't go beyond friendship, I don't think. Because she loves him far, far, too much. I'm more than rambling now, and it's not good, because I think I've pretty much out-thought myself in that I have nothing coherent to write anymore. *sighs* Yeah. I shouldn't be allowed to type when I'm like this. This is exactly why I sleep when I fall into this type of mood. Because it keeps from thinking. Sleep is the great equalizer. I dream, and I don't worry. I don't overanalyze. I don't spiral myself down into melancholy because I have icky thoughts. ....and now I'm all thought out.

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