From the Lion's Teeth

It's been far too long since I've updated. Becoming busy will do that. Not that I have much to say that's relevant to anything... I've decided to make a soundtrack for myself, of myself, about myself. Yeah, it sounds weird. Basically, I'm picking songs that fit me. The outside me that everyone sees, and the inside me that's, well, me. It'll be two cds, I think... Layer 01 and Layer 02.

I've been doing rehearsal for Merry Wives of Windsor and they're going well; we open in less than three weeks, on Monday the 11th. I'm excited and nervous. Zy said, in regards to tattoos, that one should wait 6 months to be really sure you want it, then wait another 6 months before finally getting it. She told me what she'll be getting, and it's a really cool idea.


School ends in less than three weeks as well. Our final is on July 7th. Squee! One session down, one to go.

Adrift on Dark Wings

It's hard to be alone, sometimes. I think I've gotten used to it by just not thinking about it and by burying it beneath dreams and random thoughts, and wishes. And I don't really mean "alone" in the sense of "not in a relationship" or "lacking that special someone". I have friends, and I'm very close to those friends. But even so, at times I feel like I'm one entity, unnoticed and forgotten, amidst this giant stream of life occuring all around me, and all I can do is watch and observe. Like the times when I go to Barnes and Noble or Half-Price Books by myself. I see couples, children, people with friends, all interacting and being, and I stand by and wonder what they're thinking, what they'll do tomorrow, and so on. At Half-price it's even worse, because all those people seem to know another by first name, it's like this little clique that no-one wants to tell you the password to, and all you can do is think "I wish I could be on the other side". Every now and then I wonder what life is like for those people who have a thousand different aquaintances, but no one they can really call "friend". I've got people I can call "friend" in the truest sense that should I ever need it, they'd probably help me move bodies. But I'm not sure I have all that many aquaintances, and often it's hard to wander around without anyone to talk to. So I deal by not thinking about it. Which, when you're as inclined to overthink and overanalyze as I am, is not an easy task. It's an amusing life I lead, I think...

Falling Into Darkness

I've been told by two people in my life so far that I'm clingy; no, three people. All of them at one point or another meant a lot to me, and hearing that I was clingy wasn't the most fun in the world. But it opens your eyes to flaws you might not see by glancing at yourself in the proverbial mirror of your soul, as it were... And to be honest, afterwards I did start to look at myself, and wonder if maybe I was clingy. I do notice it, now, when I start doing things that I personally would consider to be clingy, and I always try to stop, or at least tone down, my clingyness. Sprite mentioned tonight that I worry too much, and that most people worry too much. It's true. I've always been a worrier, an eternal pessimist(except when it comes to certain situations in which, truly, I should be the most pessimistic of all), and yes, when I care about someone I make it known. *shrugs* With Brey it was different, because it was a long-distance relationship, and after we started talking on the phone it just became habit to talk to her nightly that way. It's very difficult to move back to simple online conversation when you've heard their voice, especially and even more so when you don't see that person every day, or even every few months. Fade was different... she's still different, now that we're talking again. I got drawn into the black hole of her personality, her disfunction, her problems, and, being me, I tried to help in the best way I knew how, by talking and being there for her, even if only through instant messages and emails. And when she tried to tear me down, at the end, she brought up that flaw(is it really, though?) amongst other things, and that was the end of our conversations. We didn't talk for almost a year, and I drowned myself in forums and webcomics, staying as far away from instant messaging programs as I could, for more than six months. Now that we're talking again, we just are... I'm not sure that there's friendship there as much as a sense of "I still care about you in some way". She's incredibly self-destructive, but brilliant at the same time, and I think she's the only person I've ever managed to stop worrying about. I know that regardless of what I say she'll still have her habits, and she's not willing to change, her environment won't let her change. So I wall off whatever worry I may have felt at some point, and ignore it, if that worry even still exists. She doesn't surprise me much, anymore.

Since then, I think I've managed slightly well to keep from clinging too much. Everyone needs their personal space, I should know that more than anyone. So I find myself not sending that email to comment on whatever is going through my head at the time, or not immediately dropping what I'm doing to go over and talk with whomever. Or at least I'm trying. And that's what counts, isn't it? The trying?

Languages

I just read that Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is going to be dubbed into Gaelic and shown in Ireland on Halloween night. How fucking cool is that? I'd love to be able to get a copy of that and watch it... it's such a beautiful language.

Class started today, it'll be fun/boring. Fun because the teacher seems really cool, boring because it's government and the class is nearly two hours long.

Out of stuff to write, and I need to head to rehearsal anyways. Oh well.

The End of all Days

See now the plague priests in their ash-grey robes. Cowled, mouths and noses covered, pale eyes examining the world. Disinterested in mortal affairs. Hear the chant and hear the dirge-pipes, leading the Damned through the Forgotten Lands, past the river Styx, into Hades and Purgatory. In silence they fill the plague carts, bodies piled like cordwood, bubules and pustules oozing even under that gentle touch. They speak not to the living, but offer comfort to the dead. Bleak winds course down city streets, now emptied of the throngs that once massed at market, stalls empty, fruit rotting where it lies. All roads now lead to the plague pits, hellish mouths in hill and field, greedily consuming and ever hungry. Doused with pitch and tar when full, they burn like the Hell the Church preaches of, flames stretching long into the night, creating roads Above and Below... And as the chants and pipes fade, whispered words drift skyward. "All Death is certain..."

Revelations of a Personal Way

And so it occured to me, much like a lightning bolt out of a clear sky, only this case it was into my mind... well, a revelation about myself. I've heard from more than one person that I tend to have a large number of crushes, and those people have all asked "why?". To which I couldn't reply, because I don't know. I still don't. But it occurs to me while I was busy hosting, that I pursue girls that I have crushes on with my usual stubborness, only stopping when it becomes apparent that the girl in question doesn't return my interest. So far, so good. However, I have also discovered that after I stop pursuing a relationship of a romantic nature, that the crush in question tends to turn into staunch friendship of the sort that I normally only reserve for, well, very close friends. That, of course, is also tempered by how well I've come to know the person by that point... but either way, I automatically tend to take on the mantle of Friend for that person, in normal circumstances. It's an interesting look inside myself that I'd not previously thought of.

Small Seed in the Wind

I finished Good Omens yesterday, for the second time. This began a thought process, and I couldn't help but wonder if it's part of the human condition to ponder our role in the universe. We're such small, insignificant specks when you think about it. One tiny planet in the vast empty space of the galaxy, not to mention the rest of the universe around it. What's our part in life? Are we here for some higher purpose? Does God have some sort of Ultimate Plan that will determine our fate? ...Or are we really just living processors in a giant computer that is computing the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? I used to wonder, when I was smaller and still reading Beverly Cleary's Ramona books, if we weren't all just part of someone else's story in a book, with a higher author writing and shaping the events of our lives. Like one of those nested Russian dolls, with smaller and smaller dolls inside it. And since I know the power of words, it does all make a weird sort of sense. It's thoughts like this that make me want to accomplish and make a name for myself and be remembered for centuries to come. It comes down to nodal points at some point, those event horizons that William Gibson writes about, where everything comes together at one point and time and something is bound to happen. You just have to look for them and realize what's happening in order to actually do anything about them. And by then it's often largely too late, because you've spent the time thinking about said nodal point instead of doing something to affect it. ^_^ I'm good at that.

At the Mountains of Frustration

I am once more at the mountains of Frustration. Mom, in her infinite wisdom, because of course she knows everything better than I do, especially when dealing with computers(can you sense me rolling my eyes here, and the ice-tinged sarcasm?) has listened to the asshats at Best Buy, whose only fucking job is to sell things(!!!) and bought some spyware removal program called Spy Sweeper. I dislike it immensely, and not just because it cost $29.99 and appears to be a memory-hogging piece of crap. It uses pop-ups to tell you when it's found spyware on your computer. Isn't the whole purpose of a spyware removal program to stop the pop-ups? It also requires you, upon installation, to go online and download a newer version(!). Instead of Spy Sweeper, I could have downloaded and installed AdAware for the reasonable price of free. But that's not how Mom does things. Heaven forfend, why should she listen to someone who actually knows what he's doing? I utterly despise not being listened to and having my sound advice ignored. It is the single thing I have yet found that has the ability to drive me into a blind rage in moments. By my best reckoning, I have another month of weekends ahead of me before I can afford to build my own system. The day cannot come sooner when I can rid myself of ever having to give my parents computer advice again, and blissfully sit in front of my own machine to do whatever I wish to it.

Wandering the Dreamscape

I dreamt and slept badly last night... again. No surprise, I suppose. The dream... I was in Merry Wives of Windsor, only it wasn't the play proper. It was more the idea of the play. I was with someone, and there was medieval dress. I was wearing a tunic that came nearly to my knees, and no pants. And the matronly woman wanted to put me into a suit of patched motley, much like one of those babie's one-piece suits you see. I said I'd rather go pantless than wear it, and then I saw someone wearing a kilt and said that I'd wear that instead. Then there was a dice game, where I skillfully cheated at the dice(they were using 12-siders), and stairs stretched far into the darkness above us, twisting every which way like in Labyrinth. Odd indeed.

Work last night was sloooooow; I got much reading done. Tonight will hopefully be somewhat busier, but preferably not busy enough to where I need to rush to get things done.

Of God, and Other Things

I saw Kingdom of Heaven yesterday, and overall the movie was just ok. Not great, not terrible, not inspiring. Just ok. What a terrible thing to say about a movie, when you can't even form a proper opinion on it because the movie doesn't offer enough substance to create a proper opinion. The best character in the whole damn movie was David Thewlis's knight, introspective and god-fearing, yet never afraid to show a sense of humor. And he's a fucking bit part! Although the Leper King was good too... it's very hard to bring across a sense of anything while wearing a mask the entire time, but the actor portraying him did an excellent job.

Balion: "You go to certain death."
Thewlis: "All death is certain."

At the end of the movie, Balion asks Saladin what Jerusalem is worth, and he replies "Nothing. ...Everything." It amazes me sometimes, it really does, what people will do in the name of God. The Catholic Church sent how many Crusades into the Holy Land against the Muslims? 5? All in the name of God, to kill the infidels... who believed in the exact same God, only worshipped him differently. There's still fighting going on there, and probably will be for centuries to come. All because someone's beliefs are different from someone else's.

It made me think, just a bit. I'm Catholic, but haven't been to church or confession in years and years. I believe in some sort of higher being, but whether it's God or gods I don't know yet. Sometimes I think that I believe in technology more than anything. That's something that comes from reading too much William Gibson, and being so entrenched in computers and cyberspace. And why not? Technology is what drives the world these days. Heh. Someday we'll all have cybernetic implants...

Straying from Familiar Territory

I particularly like the title of this one. I believe William Gibson has a dvd of his random ramblings that's entitled Familiar Territory, which doesn't make my title any less worthy. I haven't strayed from familiar territory much at all, but right now I'm considering the possibility. Just doing something that I've not done before, talking to someone I normally wouldn't, and so on. Like the goth girl on the bus. People like that make me wonder what their motivations are for doing the things they do. It's always when you don't have time that you wish for changes and possibilities to open up in front of you.

It's sometimes quite frustrating how a single comment in conversation can make you lose all interest in writing out your thoughts. .......I like ellipses. Hmm. I've been sending out a few emails to people I needed to email, and not getting replies is annoying. I realize that people are busy and that not everyone checks their email as much as I do. But not getting replies makes me feel like I'm tossing message bottles into the vast emptiness of cyberspace.

He pulled the blade from the scabbard, the weight reassuring in his hands as he turned the sword, looking over the steel for scratches and nicks. Found none, and slowly dragged the oiled rag over the three feet of dusky steel. The forms had come slowly today; he was out of practice. Cleaning Sorrow always put him into a meditative state of mind. It was a time to contemplate the day's events and think over tomorrow's. He poured a trickle of oil down the blade, wiped it down smoothly, working it into the metal. It was almost zen, the cleaning of weapons, especially at twilight when day turned to night and the colors all faded to grey. He polished Sorrow until she shone, gleaming with all the grace a thing made to kill others could gleam with. He sighed at the memory of the girl. Her blue eyes and her smile. It always came back to that, in the end. Always. Stumbling through life, unsure in that aspect no matter what happened. Always unsure, and uncertain. Whatever happens, happens, he told himself. As if the phrase solved anything. He emptied his mind and focused on the moment. Oil and wipe. Careful attention to the crossguard and the pommel, the bottom of the blade where it met the guard...

Schrodinger's Chat. Not so abstract.

So, Jessica and I... it's going to be interesting, I think. She's distracting me from food, dammit! But the conversation is interesting. Argh! But it's fun.

It's one situation resolved that I don't need to worry about anymore, and I like her quite a bit. The next few weeks before school starts again will be fun, and then there's the play to do. Good stuff. For now though, I should probably get ready for work and get some food before then. Otherwise I'll end up starving tonight, or at least extremely hungry. Yay.

It's funny how hearing from someone that they're not ready for a "relationship" right now can make one feel extremely good and uber-giddy. But that's how it works with me. *sighs and grins* Yeah.. I think I'm going to like this.

Black Wings, Falling Feathers

Things are progressing. It's summer... well, almost. Midsummer's night isn't until the 23rd of June or so, by which time I'll be in the middle of Shakespeare, if I get cast of course. I'm also going to be going through American Government 1 and 2 during the summer. Yay.

Costuming was a great, great class... I learned alot, and I really do think I could do the costume designer shtick for life. There's so much one can do. The cape... I like the cape lots. It's big, and black, and swooshy, and drapes well, and makes me look like an evil, badass motherfucker when I'm wearing it.

I also ran into Jessica not once but twice today(woot!), and we exchanged numbers. And I think there's actually... no. I'm not going to ruin things by saying anything. Not a word. But I'll call her tomorrow to see if she wants to do anything. Heh. Rock on.

Life, for the moment, is good. *flexes wings and stretches, closing them with a soft snap* Hehe, life is happening, and I feel content, almost as much as I do nights when I'm the only one awake. Good deal indeed.

Haha, it's happened again. I fucking hate not being listened to. Thanks a bunch Mom, and fuck you for being so godamn stubborn. It's time I got my own damn computer; fuck your computer and your computer problems. If you want it fixed, take the damn thing to Best Buy and let them work on it. Screw your constant bitching about my lack of computer knowledge. News flash: it's been 7 years since my last computer class. I'm a bit behind on the times when it comes to technology. Yeah, I thik I can work up a system of my own in a few weeks. Sadly enough, the video card and a new copy of Windows XP will be the most expensive items on the list.

Misanthropic Tendencies

One thing that is definately not cool in my book is reading other people's private stuff. Especially when it's read to other people. Like a certain person, who has the privilege of reading my friends-only livejournal. And abused... no, raped that privilege by going through my entries and reading certain parts pertaining to another person, to that person. And then complicating my life by sharing that information with yet another person, with whom I'm already on bad terms. And damn this is difficult to write without putting in actual names. Thankfully the person this stuff was read to already knew most of it, and didn't care one whit that it was written. She was also kind enough to let me know that my friends-only livejournal had been compromised.

I'm not even angry about it anymore. Just ...disappointed. I thought I knew this person better than that. But apparently not. And so now there will be unnecessary drama and theatrics in Ohio, and that's the last thing I want. I wanted to hang out with various xForumites, drink some good alcohol, game a little bit, talk with Fae, and have a fun time. Now I have to worry about getting my ass kicked by a certain person for two different reasons. *sighs* As if I didn't have enough to worry about. Hell's bells.

So yes, there is empty disappointment about this whole situation. And I know I'll forgive the travesty, because a) I'm stupid like that, and b) I can't hold grudges. It may take a few weeks or months though. This is more serious than a little white lie. This is fucking over my trust.

On that note: I tend to use my livejournal to bitch about my hopeless romanticism and suchlike. Now I might as well start posting about stemware and laundry detergent. What's the use in having a private journal if you're never sure that it's not being read to a thousand other people?

Not in the band

Being second fiddle hurts sometimes, it really does. I know I can't change it, I don't think... but it does hurt, somewhere. I should get used to it though, maybe. In three days(or is it four?), I leave for Ohio, and often lately it's felt like I'm walking toward something of Great Importance. Like my destiny is screaming out towards me. It's a ...scary feeling. I have very bad luck when handling dice, and it seems that it transfers to life occasionally also. Not that that should matter. I really hope it doesn't. But I think I'll find out, in Ohio. I'm listening to the song that reminds me of her, and having thoughts. A maelstrom of thought, and its screaming inside my head, wanting to get out and be told. But it's not always possible to tell everything. I know it's melodrama, but that's ok.. everyone needs some in their lives. Right? Right. *decisive nod* And so I'll see what happens, and come out of it with lessons learned and scars earned.

Adrift

I feel like someone's shoved me out of the Heart of Gold to float for the rest of eternity in the galaxy, without even a towel. I found out that fae will probably finish her schooling at her inlaws in Alabama because her dad-in-law is dying and her husband wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And she can either end up in Austin or Atlanta. And she hasn't really emailed at all lately, and I keep sending my fluffy happy little emails, and it's like I'm sending message bottles into the vast sea of cyberspace and never getting the answers of "rescue's coming!" that I truly want.. no, not truly want. Desperately need. And I feel so lost and I have a bad-weird feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't even think in straight lines. It's like a thousand thousand thoughts were thrown into my brain at the same time, and I can't catch any of them, beyond feeling so very, very lost. I don't even know her, really, beyond months of conversations. But somehow she's thrown thorn tangles through my soul, and I think I love her, the way I loved Breyanna, and I know she'll never leave Frank, so really, I shouldn't get upset over this, and I'm already writing this stupid blog differently because godsdammit I know I'm going to end up showing her when it's written. Because I'm stupid and gluttonous for self-flagellation that way. *clenches teeth* None of this has anything to do with me beyond conversation-points between us, as it's her life and I'm not the type of person to say "thou shan't do this". But as I just said in a conversation, the same thing happened with Brey before she broke up with me. She became distant and further apart.. the "i love you's" came less frequently.. her end of the conversation was more syllabic. Her emails stopped, or might as well have. And it scares the hell out of me, because I remember what happened when we broke up. I cried myself to sleep, and damn near broke into tears everytime I thought of her, for nearly a week. Maybe I am just a stupid hopeless romantic, but I can't help falling in love. It's who I am. I don't know. I told myself after Brey that I wouldn't get into anymore long distance relationships of any sort. And then there was Fade, who was and is still fucked up. And then there was Tigs, whom I liked more than was smart, and whom I was told was an incorrigible flirt who was unable to make up her mind. And then, nothing until one night I sat in front of my computer, sipping peppermint tea and trying desperately not to vomit, when fae started a conversation with me, and talked with me through the night while I intermittendly ran to empty my stomach. And it turned out that she wasn't the bitch she played on the forums, but rather a really awesome person to talk to, someone I actually connected with more than I had with anyone since, well, Brey. And of course she was married, and yeah.. husbands finding emails is bad. And so we've tried the friends thing. And I think it works. As long as neither of us thinks wenchy thoughts about the other. Ohio Gathering will be soon, and I don't really know anymore, about anything. What's going to happen or not happen, I try not to think about. She's not going to leave Frank, I know that. At the core of my heart, I know that. And I know somewhere in mine that I want to be with her, yeah, I deleted part of a sentence here. Fuck blogs, fuck them all. I want to be with her, but it won't go beyond friendship, I don't think. Because she loves him far, far, too much. I'm more than rambling now, and it's not good, because I think I've pretty much out-thought myself in that I have nothing coherent to write anymore. *sighs* Yeah. I shouldn't be allowed to type when I'm like this. This is exactly why I sleep when I fall into this type of mood. Because it keeps from thinking. Sleep is the great equalizer. I dream, and I don't worry. I don't overanalyze. I don't spiral myself down into melancholy because I have icky thoughts. ....and now I'm all thought out.

Posts(both lamp and written)

Yes, I'm going to cross-post this one. If you can't handle that, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on. =D Sorry, I just felt like typing that out.
Life moves as always, we're starting historical shirts in Costuming, and it will be bad ass, because I'm making a shirt for myself, dammit, and I will(hopefully ) wear it to Ren Faire this year. It will be uber. And Stacy mentioned to Tracey that she loves the bodice she has for her prom dress in the play, so of course I'm going to be a moron and ask her if she wants me to make one for her. Because I'm just like that. Not that anything will necessarily come of it, but I feel like I should ask anyways. My skills aren't that 1337 yet. I hope I can pull it off.
No word yet on Ohio, which makes me sad. =( I really hope I can go, I truly do. I want to go, I *need* to go. Because it will be my first trip outside Texas in about 14 years, and because it's an xF gathering, and because many people will be there, Fae among them. Spring break will be spent working so as to have spending cash during the trip. Yes, yes it will. But I'll try to sleep as well, and relax, and talk to friends both online and in meatspace.
Ambra and I hung out after the geology test today, which was great.. because Shawn got out of his class fifty minutes early to try and intercept us, only to find that I'd already been with her for nearly an hour. Priceless. I love making him jealous. He's just clingy enough to make it all worthwhile. And as long as Ambra doesn't mind, why should I stop? After all, it's something I can do with no action at all on my part, except for being in Ambra's presence when he comes around.
It's quite idiotic to try and keep this thing personal and introspective only, especially when you know exactly who's going to be reading it. So, forget introspectiveness. I've emailed Zoe a few times, and she's actually pretty nifty to talk to. I'm sure that will increase tenfold when she's not sick with fever. =) I've thought about doing the Japanese major thing, but Theatre got its claws into me first. Which I must say, I'm enjoying quite a bit.
I have time now, for a few days before we finish the run of the show, and I'm quite enjoying the fact that I have free time now. I went out today and bought fabric for my Ren-shirt. White cotton with a light-green plaid design on it. The plain white cotton was too short, which irked me to no end. But I'll manage with the other stuff, and now that I know roughly how it goes, the second shirt will be much easier. Also, many thanks go to Kate for posting her "quick and dirty Ren shirts" guide. *squozes* If I make it to Ohio, I'll start my greatcoat after I get back. I'm very much wanting to do that project as well; I can only hope that I find enough time. And speaking of which, I still have several bags to make for people. That design will slowly improve as well.
*grins* I'm feeling rather good at the moment. It's a nice feeling, actually. Now I should do some homework, and then head to bed until later tonight.

Confusion in the Ranks

I've just finished a conversation with Ambra, which was interesting/amusing/fun. Once again there was possible subliminal flirting. *sighs* I was going to type out a long rambly thing, but I'm too tired. So I'll go to bed and sleep instead.

I shouldn't email people when I've had too much to drink, really. I read over something I sent at 5-something in the morning. Ick. Eh. Um. Yeah. It's been done, and I'm not going to unsend it, if that's even possible. *sighs* Whatever happens, happens. I just hope it's not too bad. Blah.