Grey Wings, Dull Halo

Hippie Druids Continue

2011-01-26T06:45:00.000-08:00

I managed to pick up a blackclad wayfarer and a gorax last week(finally!) and have been slowly working on those two. The blackclad is getting painted slowly but surely, and I'm trying to keep my paints watered down and use multiple coats to get a good decent coverage on the black primer.

The gorax was cut apart and reposed to change the stock pose in small but important ways. He's now stepping forward just a bit, and his arms are getting a repose as well. The face will be the biggest change; I just have to get up the courage to start sculpting in green stuff.

I've also been making some mushrooms for bases, which are actually really fun to make. Also, gobber houses are back, and two are in production right now.

Ok, I Got This

2011-01-13T15:35:00.000-08:00

Here we gooooo!

If you're interested in getting some miniatures painted, look us up on Facebook!

Just follow the above button to view our page, and feel free to send me an email for pricing quotes on various items! Send a mail to: michael.althauser@gmail.com with the title heading PAINTING.

I strive for a high tabletop quality, which means that your miniatures will look good on the table even if you're a few feet away. I use Privateer Press' P3 as well as Games Workshop paints, and take care with each model.

Testing Like Button

2011-01-13T15:30:00.001-08:00

Another test.

A Test for Something New

2011-01-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

I recently started a Facebook page for a painting service I've started, which will also encompass a lot of my sewn products from Etsy and so on.

Here's the Facebook "Like" box that hopefully will work...

If it doesn't, you can look up Greyed Out Productions on Facebook to find me.

Dirty Hippie Druids Return

2010-12-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks and months have brought many changes, and 2011 is looking to be a wonderful year. This past May I graduated with a degree in Theatre from West Texas A&M University, and I'm really looking forward to getting more sewing and crafting experience. A very short time ago I moved to Atlanta to live with my fiancee, and recently had a chance to visit a really great store, Giga-Bites Cafe in Marietta, to play some Warmachine against new opponents.

The dirty hippie druids have been growing much more slowly than I'd like, but I'm hoping to expand with a few infantry units and some constructs soon. I'm hoping to start a miniature painting service soon, for tabletop standard for those people who don't have the time or inclination to paint their own stuff.

Also, I found that the iPhone takes surprisingly good pictures.

The Stoneward and Woldstalkers are the very latest addition to my army, and painted just a few weeks ago.

Felt Pouch Mouse!

2010-11-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

I've been absent for wayyyy too long. Life does get busy, sometimes. Since my last post, I've graduated with a degree in theatre, and started an Etsy. We've transitioned in Warmachine from the old edition to MkII - a welcome change for everyone involved, I think. Now that the final books for Hordes Mk 2 are finally being released(Forces of Hordes: Minions is due in December), the year is ending on a good note.

For the Etsy I've been working on what I call pouch mice - they're little mouse-shaped critters made from felt, with an inner fabric pouch that's closed with snaps. They have button eyes, and little yarn tails. I think they're pretty amazing. I think they'd make pretty awesome Christmas gifts, not that I'm pushing for sales or anything. ;)

Check'em out:

And my Etsy can be found at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/greyedout

Druids in ur woodz...

2009-04-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

A few shots of work in progress. The druids are actually pretty simple to paint, and they're great sculpts, very characterful. I'm nearing completion on the unit, and after that is a unit of Sentry Stone and Mannikins.

Kromac is also still being worked on, and he's got enough detail that it may take a bit to get everything covered, but I love the sculpt, and I'm getting a decent hair color on him; Thin coat of Bloodtracker Brown followed by a thin coat of Khador Red Highlight. Good stuff.

Oh LGS, how we love thee.

2009-03-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago(13 days, if you want to get technical) I ordered a unit of Druids and some Sentry Stones from the LGS(local game store). Usually when you order stuff it'll be in within a week, unless of course the owner forgets to place the order. Which happened in this case, and kind of sucks a little bit, since I'd been looking forward to painting the Druids. I can understand forgetting to order a solo or blister of infantry. But $50 worth of stuff that I prepaid for? Kind of a let-down. Don't get me wrong, I usually don't mind the LGS owner, and I've been trying to support the store with my Circle army a wee bit more than with the lots of Khador I already own. After all, we game there at least once a week. But it's incidents like this that make me understand why people would rather order from the internet, where you can usually find stuff at 20% off. Gah!

Anyways. The Nyss have been finished and handed off to their owner. Now on my painting desk is Krueger, Human Kromac, and the rest of the stuff I still need to finish. And a Talon. And soon, one should hope, some Druids.

I've been on a big Privateer Press kick lately, and spend more time on their forums than on my usual ones, but the past week or so the Circle Orboros community has been full of nothing but whine, and it's a bit disappointing. I understand that MkII will change things, but come on guys... don't be such downers.

Painting Log, Oh Boy.

2009-03-13T09:13:00.001-07:00

Right now the list stands as follows:

Gnarlhorn - last details and loincloth

Argus #1 - last bits of armor detail

Argus #2 - just basecoated. lots of work

Warpwolf - basecoat on the smooth fur done. lots of work left

Woldwyrd #2 - about 60% done, need to wash the stone with badad black, paint the ropes

Nyss Elves - too many fiddly details. going to be a pain

Incoming/Unpainted:

Druids of Orboros
Sentry Stone and Mannikins
Shifting Stones
Krueger
Kromac

Oy. There goes my plan do stay Fully Painted with my Circle army.... damn internet and all its distractions! What I really need to do is go and finish the models that are 90+ percent done, and then move on to the halfpainted stuff, and then I can focus on the unpainted. It just takes time, and a willingness to switch paint pots every few minutes for fiddly details.

Random Thoughts:

I just got a chance to read Brun and Lug's entry on Battle College. Holy shit. My Circle army may hire the dwarf beatstick and his pet bear at some point in the future, because it gives me the brute force to handle heavy warjacks with impunity.

There's a long thread on the forums about Kromac, and after getting excited about him after every reading, I broke down and ordered Kromac and Evolution from the Warstore. I'm trying to support my LGS on most of my Circle purchases, but I can't justify $30 for a two-model warlock when the Warstore offers him for $22. I don't feel terribly guilty - after all, I'm still going to buy the bulk of my army from the LGS, which so far includes the Warpack and those Druids I just ordered.

Wrong-eye and Snapjaw - still "oooh"ing and "ahhh"ing over the models, and they have some nifty sneaky abilities, but so far we don't have a release date, which makes me a sad hippie. Oh well - it'll give me a chance to get some core army painting done, and plan the army a bit more.

Wolfriders will probably be picked up at some point, just for the sheer annoyance factor - last game they distracted a Behemoth for a good three turns, which I consider points well spent. Plus, it occurred to me that moving the unit, then casting Cloak of Mists on the single 'rider standing by Kaya would make them just icky, and a very aggravating unit for the opponent to deal with.

And that wraps up this edition of Dirty Hippie Druid News(DHDN). Off to work.

Hordes Goodness

2009-03-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Picked up Shifting Stones last night at the LGS, and placed my March order - Druids of Orboros and a Sentry Stone. The LGS gives you 10% off if you pay when you place the order, so it came to just a few cents over $50; perfect, since that's what I'd planned on spending each month.

A quick note: a buddy of mine is having me paint some of his minis in exchange for Circle Orboros solos and miniatures, which is how I got the Shifting Stones. It's a system that works for both of us, since it saves me a bit of cash, and gets me utility solos and such. Current work for him is a min unit of Nyss Hunters, and after that a light merc jack - the Talon, I think.

I had a game yesterday against a friend who was playing Khador, a bit of a weird list.

Vlad
Behemoth
Doomreavers
Kovnik Joe
Winterguard (10) and UA

vs.

Kaya
Gnarlhorn
Warpwolf
Shifting Stones
Gatormen (3)
Druids and UA
Wolfriders (3)

I was a bit worried, because I know that so far I've been concerned with how well Circle handles heavy heavy armor, like the Khador jacks usually have. He started the game with the Doomreavers almost in my face, so I countered with the Warpwolf, hoping that enough Doomreavers would fail to hit that the WW could then rip them apart. Alas, they dismembered it pretty quickly... and then got butchered by the Gatormen and the Druids, who charged into hand-to-hand combat.

After that, I charged the Goat at the Winterguard, who lost 2, and then pulled him back with Spirit Door. The Druids advanced and cast the Devouring at Vlad; I rolled boxcars for damage, and Vlad promptly took 8 damage! The wolfriders had been doing a good job of distracting the Behemoth, keeping him from firing at my troops.

The end of the game came after most of the Winterguard had been wiped out, and I made a crucial mistake. Kaya was in a position to walk up to Vlad and enter melee with him, but she only had 2 Fury on her. I'm still new to the army, and I forgot to cut her for 4 Fury during the Control Phase - my Goat had been taken out by Vlad the previous turn. Opponent was nice enough to let me go back, but I'd already completed a few other moves, and declined. With Blood of Kings up, she needed to boost every attack roll, and with 2 Fury there was no way I could kill Vlad.

So far it seems to be a pretty decent army list - I almost hit on the wolfriders by mistake, and including them was a bit of a "let's see how these play!" thought. But they work for distractions, and their mobility is very worth it. I'm not sure I'll be picking them up anytime soon, because they're expensive, but I like the potential they have. The gatormen as well, and three attacks at MAT 6 can be pretty brutal against most infantry. There's a Kromac discussion on the PP forums right now, which makes me want him even more... but $30 for a single warlock is pricey, when it could be better spent on a 3-man Gatorman Posse, or a unit of Bloodtrackers, or any number of actual troops.

Dirty Hippie Update

2009-03-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit since the last update, and I haven't gotten much painting done - Kathryn was able to visit for her spring break.

I've been asked by a buddy to paint his Nyss Hunters, which I'm currently working on. In exchange, I get full use of all his paints and a unit of Shifting Stones. Seems like a decent deal; it's a minimum unit of elves.

....soooo much detail! I gave them all a wash of thinned-down black, and I think I'll take the armor from there - maybe do the metal bits and add another wash of Badab Black on top, and call it done. They're to be table-top quality, not display... The bases will get a simple flock-and-snow treatment, appropriate for the climate. So far, the quivers and scabbards are done in Bloodstone, with Coal Black on the ribbons. Looks alright, and it's fairly quick so far.

Circle-wise, I've got a bunch of things that are almost-done, but nothing except Kaya that's really finished. Even the Gnarlhorn needs more finishing touches, an armor wash here, some bronze there, etc. But there's slow progress, at least...

Dirty Hippie Druids

2009-02-26T09:16:00.001-08:00

So, a few weeks ago, after seeing the Shadowhorn Satyr and reading a friend's copy of Primal, I finally gave in and started a Circle Orboros army. I'm playing this one by ear, and trying to stick to models that I like, rather than ones that are "must-haves" just because of borken rules. Sorry Gorax, that means you'll stay far away from my army transport. The initial purchases consisted of lots of warbeasts... and two warlocks.

Circle Warpack
Krueger
Gnarlhorn Satyr
2x Woldwyrd

I'm also going to try my damnedest to keep Fully Painted, which means trying(my damnedest) to space out purchases and limit myself to around $50/month. Yeah, I know I cheated with the first batch, but the warpack was the simplest way to get Kaya and a Warpwolf! Totally justified.

I've gotten in two games so far, and lost both. I'm not going to make excuses; I've been playing Khador for years, and I know the game. But I did end up making tactical errors that I'll chalk up to inexperience with Hordes. Either way, I'm looking forward to learning the faction, and being Circle, it'll teach me to be much more aggressive than I usually am. With Khador I can take a beating until I need to give one, but with the dirty hippie druids I need to dictate where and when I fight, and the faster I can do that, the faster I can lock down my opponent and make him react to me instead.

Painting:

It's Circle. That means lots of browns, greys, neutral colors.

Random comment: Kaya's weapon arm is a bitch to fit on there properly, and it needs pinned, which makes it even worse. Kaya's done, and her arm is on there, with a pin... but there's a visible gap at her shoulder that needs greenstuff. Or I could rip the arm off and try again... which frankly, I'm not too excited about. Other than that, she looks great.

The Gnarlhorn got painted in Cryx Bane Highlight, thinned with glaze medium. I'm going for a grey goat, and so far I'm happy... I then took Greatcoat Grey and mixed it with the rest of the CBH on my palette with a bit more glaze medium, and covered his mohawk and the fur on the rest of him. And found that it's a wonderful compliment to the CBH, and works incredibly well as a subtle shade. So I went back and painted the valleys in his musculature, and again, I'm very happy with him. Thing is a beast, and probably heavier than some of my 'jacks, so holding him for long periods of time is a trial.

Collecting:

Next up will probably be the Druids and the Overseer, to add some infantry support to the army. I'm proxying right now, and they're probably the most versatile unit I could get - like a Swiss army knife. The Overseer adds way more than 28 points worth of utility, and I'm glad he's so cheap, for all the extra options he gives.

Bloodtrackers are another core infantry unit that I'll be picking up at some point, but I'm leaving out the Wolves of Orboros - part of that "collect only models I like" thing.

And with Wrong-eye and Snapjaw out soon(my guess is May), I'm very tempted to get a full unit of gatormen as my heavy hitters. Expensive points-wise, but with three attacks each, combined with Krueger, they're melee monsters.

And that wraps up this edition of Onii's Circle ramblings. Stay tuned for further updates.

Newsling

2008-08-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

Sparky and I have decided to amicably end our relationship. We still love each other, and I would still love to get completely smashed with her one day. Not to mention hang out and do fun things like eat poutine and watch Firefly. (I'm still right by the way, haha!) I've been talking a lot with a wonderful girl in Georgia, and somehow ended up falling in love with her. She makes me happy, and I make her happy. So we're now dating, and both Sparky and I are ok with that. =)

Petty Things

2008-08-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

I wonder what her stepmom hates more - that she was dating a 26-year old at 17, or that she's now 19 and married with a baby and no future prospects. Hahhaha. I'm just glad I'm not the man in that situation. Yeah, I'm a petty asshole. But she's right in not talking to me anymore. We had nothing left to say, and those months changed too much. I've moved on, for the most part. Cynicism is still there, though.

Directions

2008-08-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

So, I won't be attending WTAMU in the fall; instead, I'll be staying here, helping out at the restaurant. Watching over family. I'm pretty sure it's the right decision, and it's better to be close than far away. As I told Orren today, there's no way to get home quickly when you're 600 miles away on campus. Anne was understanding, and will be taking over my Proof design - I was really excited to do it, but with Mom's passing away there's almost no way I could be back in school for fall, and I think I'd be more distracted than anything else anyways. I'm partially still in a "get distracted, think about simple things" mode, I think...

I weighed myself earlier, and I'm at 205.5 lbs, some 20 lbs heavier than I used to be, but 5 pounds lighter than at Christmas. I'd like to lose that weight again, it's annoying that my shirts are all tighter and my pants even more so. Now that I have the luxury(ha ha ha) of free time on my days off, I can get some sort of plan in the works to get in shape, and do other stuff.

I'd like to start:
getting to bed earlier - maybe around 1am each night.
wake up earlier - that way I don't lose half the day to sleep
exercise in the mornings, even if it's just walking
spend afternoons writing and drawing
paint more
get good at painting/writing/drawing
experiment with art supplies

Lots and lots to do, and part of it includes procrastinating less and spending far less time on the computer. I honestly don't need to check my email every twenty minutes, and Flickr will certainly still be there seven hours later. All that time could be put to much better use. Yes, I work 11-hour days for part of the week, but I also have days off, and in that time I can be productive and not sit around doing nothing of importance.

Lacey moved, and is no longer homeless, which is good. Also, there is new address, and that means more letter-writing! Woot! And I got some new parchment, which will be nice to use, rather than whatever bits of paper I could get my hands on. Now though, it's 1am... and I think I'm off to bed for sleep.

Out of It

2008-07-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

Sparky is homeless, according to her facebook update. And I don't know why. I knew she was looking for another apartment, but I've no idea what happened. I hate being so out of touch. Working till 11:30 at night, when she works til 9 and is a time-zone ahead, sucks. We rarely have chances to talk anymore, and I don't like it. Wish there was something I could do, but for now I'm stuck. Can't just not work, Dad kinda needs the help. Leaving voicemails sometimes just isn't enough. When did life become so difficult? Oh yeah, I remember - early June. Fuck.

Sadness and Contemplation

2008-07-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time. I'm going to pretend this is my moleskine, in which I haven't written in a long time either.
The past couple of days have been busy at work. Each night I find myself drawing into myself at some point, turning inward and outwardly getting upset and bothered. Not necessarily visibly, just in my head. It's not easy, being at the restaurant so much.
I'm not sure I'll go back to Canyon. I love theater, but right now all I want to do is spend time on my hobbies. Talk with friends and loved ones. Listen to music. Each semester is a grind that has to be gone through. Its good points and bad. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Dad can't work alone, and we're helping as much as we can. Leaving for school, 600 miles away, wouldn't be fair to any of us. Staying here would be just as unfair, to me.
Life's changed a lot since Mom passed away. The kitchen is messier, the counters not wiped down as often. We go grocery shopping once a week, purchasing necessities. We buy far less than Mom used to. Three men handle laundry, and cooking, and make due as best they can.
I've felt it rising up the past week or so, a feeling of.. loss? Dissatisfaction? Mom passed away, and left all of us scrambling to collect the pieces, to put ourselves back together again. To try and find some path to walk, taking care of one another. Too many questions left, and I don't want to deal with any of it. I've wondered in the past if I inherited any of her psychological fears, disorders. I just don't know. And right now I don't want to. Let me be in my bubble world a little longer, taking in the peace and quiet.

South Texas Ramblings

2008-05-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

So on Tuesday was game night... or wasn't, more properly said. We haven't gamed since I've gotten back, but at least we started making RIFTS characters for Orren's campaign. Knowing him, he'll get bored of it in a few weeks. But that's alright. I'm going to be playing an Operator, which is pretty much that game's equivalent of a mechanic. ...I like playing mechanics in RIFTS, they're easy. Plus, it's fun to play someone relatively "normal" in a world like that.

Tuesday afternoon was spent in Half-price. I found a perfect copy of The Hobbit in the clearance section for $1, so I had to pick it up. You can't go wrong with the classics, especially not one of my favorite books of all time. Lord of the Rings is a good series, but The Hobbit, for me, is where the magic is at. I must have read that book at least seven times while I was still in high school... Attached to Half-price is Cafe Calypso, and that's my usual coffee haunt. Everyone is very friendly, they have great coffee, and your first refill on the coffee of the day is half-price. After I browsed, I sat and wrote a paper journal entry, in my Moleskine, a full three pages. Which surprised me, since it's usually 1-page entries.

Since then it's been the same old, with lots of miniature painting thrown in. I've got two Kossite Woodsmen mostly done, and the Kodiak is about 90& done - just need to base him and do some of the metals. I'd love to get some more games of Warmachine in with the guys, but it's hard to schedule something like that, and I've no idea where we'd play. I've considered asking for donations so I could get some materials together and make a decent gaming table/surface. It's something that would great to have, almost necessary even, but I know that I'm going to be stuck with the bulk of the work if I volunteer. Which theoretically isn't that bad... except that I'm not going to shell out $50 by myself for materials, when I can ask the guys to throw in $10 or $15 each to cover it.

Life, the Universe, and Shit

2008-05-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

Life is fun, especially when you're stuck in limbo. I have one and a half years - three semesters - to go before I graduate. I'll have a theatre degree, which means that I'll probably end up working some low-end retail jobs, selling cappuccinos to unhappy office workers. My family is a mess, everybody for themselves and nobody together. Dad works, and leaves early just, I think, to get away and have his peace. Mom hates working in the restaurant, but can't get away because it's impossible to find anyone who will stand all the training you need to work in a kitchen. Plus, bad hours and only decent pay to work in a hectic, non-air conditioned environment on nights and weekends and all holidays. Brother sticks to himself and immerses himself in computer games. Sister is a bitch, who riles everyone up just by being home. Screaming matches with mom, and everyone else gets upset because of the pervasive ugly mood.

I don't know what I'll do. Right now I just want to finish school and be done with it, and then find my own life. I want to help Sparky, which is difficult when I'm so far away. I've looked up various immigration requirements to Canada(and why not? It seems a nice place to live.) Unfortunately, it looks like I wouldn't make the "skilled workers" requirements unless I work for several years after graduation. Family immigration laws are just as odd; it also covers spousal and other relationship requirements. Sparky, please don't freak out that I've looked over those. *slight smile* I've even considered possibly going back to Germany for a bit, to visit family and maybe see what the theater environment is like over there. Basically, what it amounts to is that I have no idea what will happen after I graduate. All I know is that I pretty much need a huge cushion of savings if I want to do anything at all. Money makes the world go 'round. Who'd have thought? Hahahahaha. Too bad I have pretty much none, and no decent prospects either. But it helps to keep my mind off the fact that I'm basically fucked. If I don't think about it, it will all go away and fix itself, right? Right.

Free skies...

2008-05-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

She was right, I did love that damned umbrella. At least, the way she twirled and spun it in her hands as she idly watched the passing clouds. There were days when it was a good indicator of her mood, seeing that umbrella in her hands. She was full of fiery passion, and used the umbrella to emphasize all her points. The captain got a good poke in the chest, upon trying to tell her that the voyage would take longer than expected due to crosswinds. When my dearest love had an appointment, even Heaven and Hell couldn't keep her from making it on time. The captain, ever apologetic, pushed his crew to the limits, stoked the engines, and made for Frankfurt at all haste. Somehow, we managed to keep on schedule, crosswinds be damned. And she just stood at the rail, umbrella draped on her shoulder, smiling that wicked smile of hers.

Rambling

2008-05-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we're all fools. Spent ages today cleaning old junk out of the garage - consolidating items into fewer boxes, general clean-up. Found a high school yearbook, tons of old miniatures, my roleplaying books. A few hardcovers that I'd been seeking for years. (Thanks Mom, for taking the initiative and putting them in a place I'd never think to look for them.) Old letters, as well, from Breyanna and Karye. I used to have a huge crush on Karye, and didn't realize it until after she moved to Nebraska to live with her grandparents, halfway through senior year. She joined the National Guard, and we kept in touch via letter for a year or two. Last I heard, she was working in Port A, in a restaurant about 5 minute's walk from the one I work at. Never did figure out if she liked me as I liked her.

Breyanna I was with in a long-distance relationship for almost two years. Then she broke up with me in an email. That's the day I learned that it is possible to cry yourself to sleep at night.

Just occurred to me, both my relationship with Breyanna and that with Zeraphyna lasted less than two years. I met Zeraphyna in June of '06, and in December '07 I decided that not having heard from her in three months was cause enough to consider myself single again. Maybe I'm doomed to continue on a trend of less-than-two-year relationships forever. Although granted, basing that on two relationships is a bit ridiculous. So here's hoping that Sparky and I last for a much longer time. =)

Reading old letters always brings back memories, and not always good ones. Not necessarily bad either, just reminiscences that hark back to days long gone. I get the same feeling when I look through my old yearbooks. They're anchors to memories that are buried somewhere in my head, and come out when the right chain is pulled. It's good to have them, I think. There are things that shouldn't be forgotten, and little reminders can help with that.

I read in one of Brey's letters about a project she was working on - a little jewelry thing. She sent it to me, and it was an open book, done in brass. A small little thing, but I carried it around for ages, and now I wonder what ever happened to it. Maybe I'll come across it again one day.

Well now...

2008-05-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Not much of an update perhaps... in the time between planning to start a blog post for today, and actually getting around to it, I managed to lose about an hour to various random distractions. Curse you, internet!

I worked today, in the kitchen for the first time in ages. Dishwashing isn't so bad, except it's not just washing dishes, it's also making desserts and salads. Eh. No big deal. I just hate the stress that comes with it. Things will get hectic, Dad will curse at something, Mom will take it personally, she'll get upset, and so on. Mom takes lots and lots of things personally, and you never know when you can joke around with her and when she'll flip. This is part of why I wonder if I'm broken in the same way or not. I still have moments where little things will set me off, but I like to think that for the most part I'm pretty easy-going.

Also got to experience the wonders of sisters today. Something I didn't miss at all, honestly. My sister is a bitch, and I'm being plainspoken here. Not bending the facts, just telling it like it is. She got up this morning, and I had my phone on the table, charging. She asks whose phone it is. Well, it's mine... since I washed mine last summer, and got Mum's to use. So, I say that it's mine. She asks when I got a new phone, did the old one get stolen, why do I have that phone. Not in a nice manner. In a "I'm interrogating you and you're going to answer me" manner. Keep in mind this was literally minutes after she got up. ...part of me likes Canyon, because it's far away from her and the stress she causes the entire family.

Talked to Lacey the night before last, which was nice. ^.^ It's always good to be able to hear your significant other's voice. Now I just need to pick up a webcam, so she can see me as well. Go Skype! It makes the distance much easier to bear, when you can save on long distance and still talk to a pretty Canadian gal. ;-)

Still trying to arrange some sort of coffee thing with Zeraphyna. She's somewhat... flighty? It took me ages to figure that out, and now I just go along with it, even if it does annoy me a tad now and then. She said she still had things to tell me, before she said yes or no to coffee with me. So, whatever happens, happens, I guess. For now though, I'm going to bed and thinking wicked Sparky thoughts.

She, too...

2008-04-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

She watched over me... we've traveled this world for years. I still remember, that day in November, when we boarded the ship. Full of passion, luggage carted on, our honeymoon before us. She was brilliant in her dress, creamy white, lace, pleated skirts ragged at the hems. The flight cap she'd bought earlier sat loose on her head, her brilliant curls peeking out from beneath. The goggles glinted brass in the sun, and she grinned at me as she walked up the gangplank, spinning that damned umbrella over her shoulder as she threw me a wink. I was young and eager, new to the world. Naive. I loved her and she loved me, and that was the beginning and the end of my thoughts on the matter.
We'd never traveled via airship before, and it was an experience for both of us. The nights were filled with passion, and I remember at least one night of lovemaking during a raging thunderstorm. The lightning and booming thunder heightened our frenzy and drove us closer together, and later, exhausted, we slept in each other's arms.

to be cont'd...

She

2008-04-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

We have traveled this world for years
We have consoled each other's fears
We have dried each other's tears
With a fever, with a passion...

I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics. Such a small sample of such a great song. It's Abney Park's "She", if anyone is wondering. I need that passion from whomever I'm with. I need attention, and love, and intimacy... Zeraphyna gave me all, until she moved. It got harder after that, unfortunately, until she disappeared altogether. I'm hopefully optimistic at most times. I feel that way about Sparky; there's passion there, yeah. But also understanding, I should hope. I think there is. I get very involved in my relationships. My "what animal are you?" quiz showed me to be the wolf, which fits I think - I'm very protective of my pack. Enough rambling, though. It's late, and my bed is calling.

Feathers and knives, oh my....

2008-04-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Nice thoughts swirl through my mind. I'm getting a headache, have a headache. Slight enough, right now. But a good sign that I need to get myself into bed. So I'll do that shortly after writing this out.

Had a great conversation tonight with someone quite dear to me. :-) And previous to that I saw Unexpected Tenderness, which was brilliantly put on and very emotionally moving.

Also, something else I've wanted to write for a few nights now: Sometimes they ran for the sheer joy of it.

Abney Park still has my soul. When I get back home, I'm ordering their cds as soon as I can. Steampunk earworms, who'd have thought?

Tuesday Blog

2008-04-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

So, since Sparky linked me on her own blog, I guess I'm a bit obligated to post more often, eh? Usually my blogspot's reserved for writerly-type writings of the fiction sort, but I suppose I can make an exception for a bit. Not like I have time(with school and everything) to come up with fiction anyways.

Not much news lately... the end of the semester approaches, and I have quite a bit of work to do between now and then, as well as study for finals.

I still have points where I go "holy fuck! I'm in a relationship!" (with Sparky no less, whom I've liked for ages now... ) No, really. (and Lacey, if you're reading this - yeah, I've totally had a crush on you almost from the beginning.) It's just always been one of those cases of "won't happen, no way, no chance... distance is too great, etc etc.) Except that now... we're together. And just typing that makes me grin like mad. Who'd have ever thought? I certainly didn't. But it's a wonderful feeling, and I love how she makes me feel. (I'm also a total hopeless romantic sometimes.) Anyways. Now that that's typed, I'm going to crash. Sleep calls, and I'm always up way past my bedtime. =)

Mowwww

2008-04-15T19:14:00.002-07:00

So, for those of you who don't frequent my Facebook, or zetachannel for that matter, I have a small announcement. Well, a small huge announcement. Sparky(ie. Lacey) and I are now in a relationship. We've been talking a lot the past few weeks, and the first phone conversation we had, which was supposed to be a quick "good night" call, turned into a three-hour discussion on a huge variety of topics, that ended with both of us going to bed rather sleepy yet happy. Yes, she lives in Ontario, and yes, it's a long-distance relationship. We've known each other for 3-ish years no, I think, and been pen-pals for a few of those. She's hoping to make it down to Corpus this summer to visit, which would be totally awesome. (And I told her it would make an awesome graduation present to herself). So, yeah. She makes me smile, I make her smile, we like each other, and we're together.
While I still have to completely wrap my head around the relationship thing, and the distance, it's something that I think I'm willing to work through.

In other news, the next few weeks may end up being very detrimental to my health. I have three 5-page papers to finish, 5 full-color costume renderings to do, a stage management binder to write up, a portfolio to finish for theater juries next week, and oh yeah... finals to study for. Did I mention the Drawing 1 projects I have to finish and turn in? Yeah. Three weeks of school left, and enough work to cram in there for a month. Why am I posting here then, you ask? Procrastination, my dear reader, I answer with a grim smile. Nothing more than simple procrastination.

Life as we know it...

2008-04-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is nice after all. And it's good to have a night where you know that you've managed to cheer someone up. I talked with Sparky again tonight, and it's nice to have someone to share my thoughts with, and to make her smile. She may visit in summer, and it would be awesome to hang out with her. Short post, but there you have it.

On Relationships

2007-12-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and I'm miserable. I'm home, which is good. It's nice to be back. But I what I expected never was. I thought I'd come home, have a happy reunion with Ashly, be happy-peachy keen, spend 4 weeks avoiding cold weather and in her company, all would be well. Instead, I'm single(of my own declaration), miserable, lonely, hating the fact that I'm alone again on Christmas and New Year's, upset because I don't know why she stopped talking with me, upset because I know cutting ties is the best thing for me, but still beating myself up over the decision because what if, suddenly, she came back?

Fucking misery. I'm torn over my fucking relationship, because I thought I loved her(of course I did, how could I not?), and now I'm still in love(maybe), but she's not in my life anymore(her own choices, I suppose... what happens when you don't hear from your girlfriend in two months?), and I have no idea how to deal with it. Yay, I can move on with my life! vs. Crap, I'm alone! Relationships and I are not friends... more like acquaintances. I know the basics of Relationship, but it's like testing deep water - I have no idea how far down it goes. Or how to avoid drowning.

I just wish it hadn;t ended the way it did. Or that at least she'd told me that it was over, if it even is. I haven't heard from her since mid-October, remember? So for all I know we could still be together, with her simply on hiatus, or in her own world, or whatever. Hell if I know. But I do know that all my efforts at reaching her went unanswered. And eventually even I learn that sending out messages in bottles over and over with no reply isn't going to have a different outcome the 301^nth time. Only solution would be to stop by where she works, and talk to her then - but that's probably the height of unprofessional, isn't it? So I don't really want to take that option. What happened? Why? When did we start failing? Did we ever start failing? Did she meet someone else? Isn't it the right thing to do to tell your boyfriend that you don't wish to be in a relationship anymore?

What does one do with all the pieces of that relationship, once it's over? All the pictures, the letters, the memories? Do you tuck them away, only to bring them out every now and then to re-open the wound? Or does the pain eventually stop? Why do I have trouble getting close to people? Every time I think I'm over this, I have a bad night and memories and thoughts come flooding up, and I go down into a misery.

Machinery and the Human Heart

2007-12-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight a revelation occurred to me, namely the vague idea that I picked up from reading Evil for Evil. I think what my brain is trying to gestate at is that relationships are the end result of careful planning, figuring out what you want or need and then finding the necessary steps and components to achieve that goal. It's like a big, thought-out process, and if you like you can really break it down step by step and get a good plan going to achieve your goals. In ending the relationship I was in, due to lack of communication, I threw away, discarded a year and a half of love, conversation, comfort, etc... all lost like chaff to the wind because I never heard word from her. I'm not sure exactly what I was "planning" toward - maybe just my own eventual happiness(but isn't that what everyone plans toward?), but either way, it was a long, drawn-out process before I realized that somewhere a flaw had worked in(to keep up the machine analogy), and that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. No fault on my own part, I don't believe, since I did make plenty of effort to reach out and be communicative. No, the flaw lay elsewhere. For all I know it could all be down to outside influences, namely that she found someone else and never told me. I'm not altogether sure how I'd have taken that news, but it would certainly have been better than this perpetual limbo, waiting for word that will probably never come.

Theoretically, I could construct some elaborate plan for my next relationship to achieve whatever nebulous goal I might try to get out of it. Use whatever resources I have at hand to the best of my ability, and see how it falls into place. And yes, I am talking about manipulation, of people, feelings, situations, etc. Isn't that appalling? When you break down the simple steps of it, that's really what it comes down to, only nobody wants to look at it that way. Maybe it's all because most of that process is subconscious. So yes, that's part of the thought process I went through earlier tonight. Scary how the mind works, when applied properly.

032707

2007-03-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

The cafe was cozy, especially at this time of night. I sipped my mocha and gave another smile to the barista. She'd started just a few days ago, and I did my best to help her out when she needed advice. After all, that's what you do when you've been coming to the same cafe for years on end. I hoped she'd stay awhile; it always depressed me when a lad or lady with the potential for barista greatness decided to quit. Or worse, get fired. Which, I'm glad to say, didn't happen often. The last person to get fired from my cafe regretted his decision to steal from the register very, very much.

Multitudes

2006-12-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

A thousand coffeehouses spread over a thousand cities on the same rainy night. What makes yours stand out? What makes this one so very different? It might be the atmosphere. But then, you could claim that anywhere else, too. The yellow light, shining from the front window into the rain and twilight darkness? Perhaps. It goes deeper than that, though. Allow me to explain, if you will.

Sit back, relax. Have a ...coffee. Sugar? Cream? Sure, you could go for a fancy, seven ingredient concoction. But is that really what you want? Settle for a cup of something simpler. Look around you. It's a haven. The people here, they're disparate. That man, in the scruffy gray sweater? Just this side of unemployed, but he comes in every Thursday for a cup of tea. The tea's not quite as excellent, by the way. Look how he sips, savoring the warmth from the cup circulating through his body. The elbows on his sweater worn, but the garment is clean. The couple, right in that armchair. They're in college, met each other here a few weeks ago. See how she glances up at him as he speaks? I can tell that she's in love. He'll notice it soon as well.

tbc...

Love

2006-10-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

He wondered what love was. Was it rainy afternoons in sleepy little cafes, sipping chai and holding thoughtful conversations? Or was it untold faith and belief in the person you were with at the time? A willingness to do anything to make your loved one happy?

Black Flags, Flowing Rum

2006-07-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

She was imposing, in a way. Wouldn't have control of the crew otherwise... though it's mainly that they respect her and would do anything for her. Flowing white shirt, purples breeches, tall boots. What piratess doesn't have tall boots? Flintlock at her belt alongside a cutlass, and a maroon bandana to hold back her hair. Peace sign on a silver chain peeking out from her shirt. How odd, that. Perhaps a trinket from an earlier life, or maybe our dear Dread Piratess just likes peace symbols. Then again, none of the crew had ever seen her directly harm someone, when giving it further thought.
This fine day she was in high spirits. The letter had been dispatched, more chai and rum were on their way, and Faerie was hers for the taking. The Stardust had been pulled up on shore for scraping, an odious task that straws were pulled for, dice were thrown, and the occasional fist met the occasional nose. A pier was under construction as well; a shoddy affair, ready to tumble into the sea at a moment's notice, but the lads were giving it their best. Gathering crews were out o pull coconuts, bananas, and whatever lemons they could find, and a third foray into Faerie was planned for later that afternoon.
The captain found herself with nothing to do, thanks to careful planning and organization, and so she locked herself away in her cabin and penned a further report.

Dear Admiral,

I shall now go into further detail on the previous expedition into Faerie, as I'm sure you're quite excited to hear about it. Aren't you? I thought so. But yes, I took a gang of fifteen with me, the most vicious on the crew that I knew about. Vicious enough to fight a shark in it's own territory! Hah! Some of these lads are terrors, Sir. I've seen them in knife fights. Why, Seemus once had part of an ear sliced off, and still stuck the limey he was dueling! Simply wonderful.
We headed past the boundary at roughly noon, armed with our customary weaponry. Flintlock, cutlass, club, that sort of thing. The lads were a bit unsettled by the change in weather, not to mention the terrain being completely different within the span of three feet, from sand and palms to dirt and scrub.

...Beg pardon, but there's some disturbance up abovedecks that seems to need my utmost attention. >_< Shall continue this letter in but a moment, Sir.

Somewhere in the Tropics...

2006-07-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

Lord Admiral,

As you may know, we have recently established a beachhead on the island. Recently being several months ago, actually, or will have been several months by the time you receive this missive, if indeed the couriers are still as slow as they were when I first took the post of Captain, back in '73... then again, those were the days when a privateer didn't necessarily need letters of marque, he(she, in my case, haha) simply plundered and pillaged. Ah, how the rum and eggnog flowed in those days! I remember them all fondly. 'T wasn't such a long time ago, now was it, Sir? You and I both, full of ideals and rampant disregard for the King's laws. Then again, we're subject to those laws now, eh? You old scurvy dog, you. But I ramble, forgive me. Paper isn't so bountiful that I can waste space on memories, isn't that right. Though I suppose we could always attempt to press more out of those palm leaves... shall have the crew look into it.

But yes! The island. We found the boundary you spoke of, and have undertaken several expeditions into the ...Faerie, I suppose you'd call it. The place where the natural state of the island meets Faerie is odd, to say the least. It's as if the island simply ends, and Faerie begins, with no sensible markers or anything to indicate a break. You walk down an animal path, looking ahead to the coconut groves, and then find yourself in Faerie, where the land is much like that of the Highlands back home, flattening into moors and hilly plains after about two dayss travel. Tis quite a shock, to trod from tropical heat to that sort of autumnal cool. The meeting-place line extends quite a ways, perhaps half a mile or so, and we've taken steps to mark it with little flags, so as not to get a sudden surprise upon our morning patrol. Everything goes rather well; only minor casualties so far. Lost a couple of men to a rock troll. Terrible, really. Wandering the gully one moment, down the troll's gullet the next. Rest of us just ran; what where we to do against the likes of that? Have marked the gully as well, with careful notation to the rest of the lads to avoid it. I say that everything goes well, but that would be a lie... our rum has gone, and the lads were upset about that, but I calmed them with promises of faerie gold and trinkets. And that worked, but well, there's a problem you see. The chai has run out. And this the lads don't take nearly so well. So please Sir, if you could find it in your best interest to send more chai via an expedient source, then myself and the rest of the lads would be quite grateful to you and the rest of the Navy. More eggnog, too. And some bagels, perhaps? I shall continue to do the best to research the nature of (F)faerie and send updated reports on a reg'lar basis.

In yer service,

Dread Piratess

All The Things She Said

2006-07-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

She arrived wearing a long black skirt, semi-gothic in its details, flowing like a shadow at twilight. A semi-formal white shirt, top button undone to show the hollow of her throat, the silver chain with her peace symbol resting there, just at the button. Hair up in chopsticks, still damp... her glasses the purple frames that I liked so much. A grin greeted me when I opened the door for her, followed by a tight hug into my arms and a kiss like peppermint and honey. My tongue briefly touched hers before we broke apart, my hands in hers as I returned her smile. It had been too long since we'd last seen each other, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with her in my arms. Alas, I had a previous engagement, as it were.

"Hi love, you look beautiful as always. And you dressed appropriately for what we're doing today..." I grinned and lightly bit her neck, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Oh, and what would that be, my darling?" She gave a soft laugh and ran her fingers through my hair.

"Research at the library. And you, my dear darling librarian, very much look the part of the intrepid researcher, poring over old tomes in search of forbidden knowledge. The only thing missing," I said as I traced my forefinger along the edge of her ear, "is a pencil right here."

"Hmm, well I'm sure we can fix that..." She smiled and kissed me again, more deeply this time, pulling her nails down my back in long strokes as I growled deep in my throat and pulled her tighter to me. Somehow we found our way to my room and managed to close the door before I pinned her against that corner and showered her with kisses burning with passion. She gasped as I bit her neck once more, and wrapped her leg around mine as I pushed against her. Her body tensed as she pressed back, tongues meeting again as I tasted her need for me and met it with equal intensity.

"It's all about us, all about us,
it's all about us, all about us,
We'll run away if we must,
cause you knooooow... it's all about us.
It's all about us, it's all about us.
In you I can trust..."

I slid my hand down over her thigh, turned smoothly to let her pin me, her hands on my shoulders and her eyes staring deep into mine, her smile sensuous enough to make me shiver over my entire body. She paused briefly, then surprised me with a quick kiss and a bite on my lip that again made me gasp. I loved that we were of equal enough height to kiss without trouble, and moaned softly with eyes closed at the memory of our first kiss, there on the rock. She must have sensed what I was thinking, because she smiled and whispered "Je t'adore" in my ear as I held her, content as I always was in her presence. "I love you too, dear one."

Memories Uncounted

2006-07-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've been living so long with these pictures of you...

-The Cure, Pictures of You

The beach was empty and the wind cold, the air filled with seamist and the roaring of the surf. Gray skies overlooked the sands and the lone figure leaving a fading line of footsteps at the edge of the tidemark. Thunder rumbled, but he paid no mind to the ominous rumble. He felt her there, at the edge of consciousness, a phantom ache in the corners of his mind. She'd been gone too long, and longing was a not word not strong enough to describe his feelings. His hands pushed deeper into the pockets of his coat, and he wandered on. It grew colder, and the footsteps no longer carried a straight line, but the man did not notice. He simply walked on, determined to find her, a lost puzzle piece.

Ethereal Journey, Memory

2006-07-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

The forest continues, unabated, for as long as the eye can see. The trees stretch skyward, leafless and gray on this overcast fall day, and the farther trunks obscure sightlines. The man walks on, accompanied by the ravens, who periodically take flight to perch on lone branches, far ahead. He turns and twists the dull black knife in his hand, and distance becomes meaningless as his mind moves inward.

Memory: It is raining, a cold rain that soaks quickly into the skin, hard drops coming in multitudes from low thunderclouds. They step outside, and she presses against him, her mouth finding his in a kiss filled with passion, and he embraces her, bodies tight together. Tongues meet, and she runs her hands through his hair as he caresses the back of her neck, one arm wrapped around her waist. She whispers "Pin me" in a low whisper, filled with urgency, and he complies, one hand sliding over her thigh, her leg wrapped around his, the kiss breaking only to draw breath.

Later he recalls further kisses, embraces.. conversation held hand-in-hand. As he dreams that waking dream, he sees that the raven called Memory has become sharper, more detailed, more substantial. The real world paled in comparison, shadowed and dark against that black-feathered avian, and he in turn looked into the man and quorked, in a voice of thunder and ice-furied blizzards, power of centuries behind the words "This is the power of Memory..."

Matters of the Heart

2006-06-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

He looked at the raven, perched on its branch in the leafless tree. It looked back, and quorked at him. Beneath, behind, woven into the quork he heard the question. "What will you do now?" The man adjusted his coat, ran a hand through his hair. The hand slid into his pocket. "Wait. And be there. I am hers, as she is mine. Our threads have interwoven, and I will be there for her when she needs me. Because right now, that is all I can try to do. That, and love her." He glanced down, deep in thought. A second raven joined the first. Claws scraped bark as the bird secured his perch. The two examined the man, and he, only partially startled, examined back.

The birds were large for their kind, and their eyes shone with an old intelligence. A hint of having seen too much in too many places. The first to speak ruffled his feathers with a slight shrug, the movement expressing distaste with the world. The newcomer preened for a moment. Another quork. "It is a long time to wait. The time will pass slowly." The man gave a small grimace. "I know that. But I will wait, as she will wait for me. We are together now, and this will not change." A pocketknife appeared in his hand, dull black, and twisted and turned in his fingers. He appeared not to notice.

With a screech the larger of the ravens flew from the branch and dove for the man's face. Its claws scratched bloody lines, almost taking the man's eye, but he reacted with surprising speed, and a small rain of feathers graced the frosted earth. The bird landed on, gripped the man's shoulder. "Good memory. I will be your reportory of knowledge long forgot in these modern times. You will need my help, Child of Man. And I may have need of yours."

"You and she will find one another again, there where the sea meets the horizon. You have told her so. We shall make it so. A journey lies ahead, as much of time as distance. Let us guide you, as once we were guided by Wodan in his search for wisdom. Love is not an easy thing to find, nor an easy one to lose. Yours has been found, and now needs safeguarding." No longer restricted by clumsy quorks, the two ravens claimed a shoulder each, silent now that their advice had been given. The man gave each a look and then, resigned, began walking. The direction didn't matter; it was all featureless forest anyway, apart from the tiny path he now followed. He would get to his destination eventually, and be reunited with her in his arms. He smiled, and thought of her... and the journey seemed lighter.

Cont'd.

2006-06-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

Mal made anothert tour of the home, checking on various cases as he made his rounds. Checked off that each resident received his evening medicine, stopped in a few rooms to chat for a minute or two about the day, the weather, how this season's sports teams were doing. Mrs. M still hadn't shown up by the time he slotted his time card and signed out for the evening. He wrote a quick report, left it with the front desk for the night shift.

The afternoon and early evening sun gave way in the south to a bank of thunderclouds, dark and menacing on the horizon. Rain before the night was out, he was sure. Even as he watched, lighting flickered through the storm and a cold wind picked up. Reached up to adjust his glasses and checked the his messenger bag was closed all the way.

The first drops were just beginning to fall as he unlocked his apartment, the crescent moon of previous nights now hidden for the duration of the storm. The place wasn't in the best part of town, but at least management kept things tidy, and the rent was cheap. Mal never saw his roommate. A few years older than he was, the man made an art form of entering and leaving with minimal noise. Paid his rent on time, and kept his portion of the kitchen tidy. No reason to complain. Mal threw together a quick sandwich, checked his email as he ate. Nothing new. An hour later he was in bed, fast asleep.

Mrs. M wandered in the next morning, looking slightly confused and partially dazed. Her pupils were dilated, and she made repeated mention of “that nice man at the cozy house.” After a checkup by the resident doctor she was given a sleeping pill and led back to her room with orders not to leave the premises unaccompanied.

Bobby was in charge of the front desk. Jittery, his cracked Garfield mug close to hand. The desk a scattered mass of papers, pens, inkwell – where did he get inkwells from, and whatever for? - random office paraphernalia that always seemed to accumulate around him no matter where he went.

“Hiya Mal. Might wanna be careful... Abrahams is up in arms over the whole Mrs. M debacle, and looking to tear somebody a new asshole. Coffee?”

“Thank you, no. Which cup are you on? Never mind, it doesn't matter. Did she ever show up?”

“Like a lost kitty comin' home. They tranq'd her and locked her in her room. She's out like a light, shouldn't be up again til tonight. Supposed to have an hourly check anyways though, and since you're the first one here, hey look! You get to look in on her.” Manic grin as he took a swallow of coffee.

2006-06-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Mal wandered the halls, mind wandering as he passed the large windows, shafts of late afternoon sunlight lighting his face in random bursts. It was strangely quiet for a Sunday afternoon. Most of the residents were in their rooms, asleep or doing whatever it was that they did when left alone. He came across few visitors, eyed them warily with trepidation and tried to look busy. His white coat was wrinkled and creased; no chance to iron it the past few days. A strain of piano-laced cabaret music fled down the hall ahead of him from Mr. Poransi's room. He paused, his tiny food cart wobbling to a stop ahead of him. Burst of too-loud laughter from the entertainment room. Must have been watching the Oldies channel.

The walkie-talkie at his waist crackled, and he jumped, startled.

"Mal, did you sign out Mrs. M? She's not on the premises, and wasn't supposed to be out today." Evie at the front desk. Worrier, too organized, anal-retentive. Good attention to detail. Too much stress. Snuck pills from storage on the late shift.

"No I did not. I haven't seen her today either, maybe she went for tea again? Ask Carl, he may know. Will call if I see her." Sighed and glanced at his watch. Another hour to go. The retirement home was quiet, a rambling old estate surrounded by a few acres of park. Family was always welcome to visit, but so few really did that there was little point in setting official visitng hours. He felt sorry for the residents, who had little in the way of entertainment and less in love and support. The staff was stretched thin these days, a blessing in disguise for him since it let him grab extra hours to pay for expenses. He ran a hand through his brown hair and set off to find the wayward Mrs. M.

Dark Places

2006-03-05T00:16:00.000-08:00

He stepped, and found himself on the hillside. It sloped down, down to the crashing surf, harsh waves breaking against the rocky beach. It was less than twilight, in that the storm blackened the sky to ink, yet there was light to see. To his right the land curved gently around the bay, dunes stretching away into the dark. Leftwards led toward the mountains, and the factory. Lights winked even at this hour. Behind him was the forest. Its branches offered a small respite from the light drizzle, but he hadn't entered that shelter in a long time. The wind keened off the beach and up the hill, cutting through his t-shirt and jeans, the grass rustling with its own low noise, at once soothing and sibilant. Raindrops marked his gray shirt, and he stood to watch the lightning play in the distance, across the sea. His bare feet found a patch of sand, and his toes dug into the still-warm sand. Something troubled him, a feeling hard to put words to, even for him. And that in itself was cause for worry. He'd go down the dark spiral again, and the cycle of sleep and dream would begin all over. A frown creased his face as he considered. Thoughts fluttered in his mind, but none stayed to offer comfort. Nothing would help, could help. Well. There was one thing, he thought. But the chances were too remote to offer the hope he wanted, needed. And so he quietly gave up on that memory.. thought.. wish.

Patches in a Larger Tapestry

2005-09-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

The house on the hill, before the rain arrived, stood as it always had. Seemingly from the very day it was finished, it had projected and air of looming dreariness. This was not so much a fault of the house itself as it the house's Victorian-esque construction. It quietly shouted "gothic". The large front windows somehow managed to be dark even during the sunniest afternoons, and the lawn stretching up to the porch resisted all attempts to keep itself kempt and orderly. It always looked as if it had last been mowed two weeks ago, shortly before a heavy rain. Today the coming storm provided a scenic backdrop for the old house, black thunderheads promising anything from light rain to windows-lashing torrents. Poe himself would not have been able to write a better setting. And while the windows were usually dark, today was an exception. Perhaps it was the rain. It may even have been the owner of the little red car parked haphazardly on the lawn, perilously close to nudging the mailbox. She(because a she it was), was currently busy lighting candles and creating an atmosphere of cheer, albeit it slightly forced. An old record filled the house with the bustling sounds of jazz, and the smell of thick stew(beef, made from scratch) wafted through the house. You may be wondering at this point about the owner of the little red car, and what she was doing in such an old, gloomy house. Her name was Magda, and she had purple hair. A dark blue skirt swished around her legs as she flitted from kitchen to living room, and a small locket on a silver chain hung around her neck. She absentmindedly tucked it back into her blouse as she tasted the stew, and a stray strand of purple hair was brushed back behind her ear as the spoon returned to the stewpot. Magda gave a pensive frown and added a dash more pepper. Striped socks were evident as she dashed back to the living room and lit another candle. Her uncle was still upstairs after having given over the house to her ministrations; he'd retreated to his study to pen a letter to her mother, probably already wondering when she'd be out of his quarters. Well, she thought with a smile, he'd have to learn that life wasn't all gloom and doom, and she was perfectly willing to prove it to him, no matter how long it took.

Falling Falling... on Broken Wings

2005-08-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

So. I invited her to dinner, sent an invitation even. And never heard back from her. Somehow, I knew I wouldn't. But I got myself all nicely dressed and ready anyways, just in case she should show at my doorstep, apologetic smile ready to pacify me. By 8:15, I knew that I could forget any plans I'd made, that a nice dinner at a nice restaurant was something for another time, another place. A different girl. Someone who would actually call me back, and graciously decline an invitation, even if it meant making up some random excuse that was as easily seen through as a Japanese rice paper screen. I'd found Spiderman 2 on HBO by that point, and managed to lose myself in the movie even as the back of my mind kept listening for some knock at the door. Afterwards I saw her online. Let her contact me; I'm done with invitations and niceness. I've done my part, and she knows how to reach me. If she so chooses, I'll accept any apology she might make. I think, now, that telling her she was my first kiss was my first mistake. Possibly my first and only mistake. And even as I said it that night my mind gave this little mental scream of "noooooo!! idiot!" and I instantly wished I could take back the words that had just come out of my mouth. It makes me sad that out of everything I could have learned from her, the one lesson I really got was not to share revelations such as the one I did. Growing more guarded in what I tell people, rather than less, is not something I like the idea of... the thought's a weird, strange little one - that each relationship or kernel of a relationship that I go through will teach me to share less and less. Such a sad world, when it comes to that. Our lessons should be good ones, not harsh ones that make us regret decisions in the first place. So... now the waiting begins, and I'm back to the lesson I was trying to learn before she kissed me and made me smile and way to happy for nearly a week - that caring too much from the very start just hurts too much in the end. It's better to force yourself not to care, and then be pleasantly surprised when life does go your way. What a fucking pessimist I have to be. Break my halo and blacken my wings, I can't stay this good forever. "Someday, love will find me... in the rough."

Preponderance of Happy Thought

2005-08-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, grinning inwardly like a fool, at the simple thought of kissing someone. Specifically, someone gorgeous with two lip rings and a labret. And the thought is making me all weak-kneed and totally "omfg". *melty swoon* Holy fuck. This is happy thoughts at its best.

And in other news life is going fairly well, fall semester starts soon and I have no place to stay yet, woot. But I hope I can figure that out, as it's kind of important. Hmm. And that wrap up my will to blog for tonight.

Lost in the Sprawl

2005-07-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

The rain came down from ash-grey clouds, sidewalks already darkened from previous storms the night before, thunder rumbling high above, an epic clash of forgotten gods. He hadn't bothered getting an umbrella, so he stood under the eaves of a Starbucks, waiting out the fiercer parts of the downpour. Headphones today sang the melancholy chords of The Cure; techno was yesterday's beat, no room in today's worldview for the thrumming, bone-deep bass right now. So instead he floated on a mental sea of incredible depth, Robert Smith alternately screaming and whispering of lost love and anguish. Yeah, that fit. Consumer whore customers jostled him as they came in and out of the coffeeshop; he ignored them all. "Consumer whore... that includes me as well, doesn't it," he thought ruefully as he sipped a $3.95 cup of coffee. At least it kept him warm. He grinned and fingered the envelope in his pocket; at least he'd managed to get the part he needed for that last upgrade. The grin faded as he thought of her again, for the hundredth time that day. Always when he least expected it she'd surface in his memory. The sky broke open then, and an especially heavy rain started with an ominous rumble of thunder and several flashes of lightning. He sighed, shrugged. Flipped the hood over his head; he'd already waterproofed it, along with the rest of the jacket. A little rain wouldn't hurt, and he could feel the pull starting, calling him back home to finish that 'frame. Technology was a bitch, sometimes.

Layer 01: Thinking of You, Wide Awake for Days

2005-07-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

The tangle of equipment and wiring had grown in the past week, a labyrinth of LEDs and cooling fans, chips and circuitboards to match the mess his mind has become. Tangled sheets slithered from mattress to floor, the bed abandoned in favor of the floor, his lanky frame resting on once-plush carpet as one hand idly typed on a Logitech keyboard. Monitor glare flickered over Kid Emo's face as he glid down electronic paths of infomation, flowing like rivers through the nexus of his room, network servers handling terabytes with an ease belied by their massive frames. He cackled, low and madness-tinged, as the text message flashed with a low ding on his screen. So much for Fate and good luck. A sigh followed, dredged from the depths of despair. Emo, they called it now, as if to make it cool and hip for the next generation. Well, he'd earned his nickname many times over. Typed out a reply and hit send, waiting for the next reply with something akin to morbid fascination. A motorist staring grimly at the scene of the accident, only here it was the network admin watching his screens in horror as the virus ate through layers of protection. Damage control was pointless; previous experience had taught him that much. He shrugged and switched tracks on Nodal Point; the everpresent headphones finding t.A.T.u's "All the Things She Said." Techno beats matched his heartbeat with an interesting counterpoint, as another ding announced the next reply. He read it, smiled, and hit the 'x'. No need to continue down that path of sorrow tonight. There'd be more opportunities tomorrow, and the night after. There always were.

Kid Emo

2005-07-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

He sprawled over the entire bed, one arm overhanging the edge, fingers trailing. "I've been living so long with these pictures of you / that the pictures are all I can feel..." The Cure's melodic strands of infinite depth and sadness pouring into his ears via the headphones, cord to the iPod snaking its length over his body, tangled around a limp wrist. He floated on the music, a pioneer among pioneers, drifting through the endless spaces of his own mind. Kid Emo, they called him. Dark eyes flickered toward the internals of his computer, cabling like intestines stretching in multiple directions. The hard drive here, power supply there, clear worm-tubes of coolant invading the lesser wires. It worked, though. It always did. It was the rest of his life that didn't. No matter how many mainframes he built, how many corps he hacked into, riding the Matrix in a stream of digital information, his life outside the tech always strung him out into the melancholy depressions that earned him his name. He sighed. Being yourself didn't work outside the vast realms of cyberspace. He'd managed to fail again, perhaps spectacularly, the damage not yet fully realized. Maybe a few day's time would tell. Or not. The wilting lillies filled the dark room with an almost cloying scent; they'd long since bloomed and begun fading. Eyes closed as he breathed out. The week had begun with promise, but now... Maybe he'd stop trying again. Not that it ever lasted long; like his skills with tech, that was a part of himself, deep down, that he knew he'd never be rid of. Movement now, as a finger slowly switched tracks from memory, The Cure's "Lovesong" becoming U2's "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World." He gave another sigh, and drifted back through old memories, drowning in dreams, past and present intermingling as the music played on.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong; I'm being myself and perhaps that's the cause of everything. And it's not like I can stop being myself, or even want to. If people can't deal with that, then maybe they're not the sort of people I should be spending time with. Or, more appropriately, trying to spend time with. Because as it is, I've not managed to successfully do so yet. I'm going emo again, and it's maddening because I can't help it. I have no patience when it comes to romantic relationships, and it frustrates me to no end that every time I make plans to go out with someone they end up not happening.

From the Lion's Teeth

2005-06-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long since I've updated. Becoming busy will do that. Not that I have much to say that's relevant to anything... I've decided to make a soundtrack for myself, of myself, about myself. Yeah, it sounds weird. Basically, I'm picking songs that fit me. The outside me that everyone sees, and the inside me that's, well, me. It'll be two cds, I think... Layer 01 and Layer 02.

I've been doing rehearsal for Merry Wives of Windsor and they're going well; we open in less than three weeks, on Monday the 11th. I'm excited and nervous. Zy said, in regards to tattoos, that one should wait 6 months to be really sure you want it, then wait another 6 months before finally getting it. She told me what she'll be getting, and it's a really cool idea.

School ends in less than three weeks as well. Our final is on July 7th. Squee! One session down, one to go.

Adrift on Dark Wings

2005-06-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

It's hard to be alone, sometimes. I think I've gotten used to it by just not thinking about it and by burying it beneath dreams and random thoughts, and wishes. And I don't really mean "alone" in the sense of "not in a relationship" or "lacking that special someone". I have friends, and I'm very close to those friends. But even so, at times I feel like I'm one entity, unnoticed and forgotten, amidst this giant stream of life occuring all around me, and all I can do is watch and observe. Like the times when I go to Barnes and Noble or Half-Price Books by myself. I see couples, children, people with friends, all interacting and being, and I stand by and wonder what they're thinking, what they'll do tomorrow, and so on. At Half-price it's even worse, because all those people seem to know another by first name, it's like this little clique that no-one wants to tell you the password to, and all you can do is think "I wish I could be on the other side". Every now and then I wonder what life is like for those people who have a thousand different aquaintances, but no one they can really call "friend". I've got people I can call "friend" in the truest sense that should I ever need it, they'd probably help me move bodies. But I'm not sure I have all that many aquaintances, and often it's hard to wander around without anyone to talk to. So I deal by not thinking about it. Which, when you're as inclined to overthink and overanalyze as I am, is not an easy task. It's an amusing life I lead, I think...

Falling Into Darkness

2005-06-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

I've been told by two people in my life so far that I'm clingy; no, three people. All of them at one point or another meant a lot to me, and hearing that I was clingy wasn't the most fun in the world. But it opens your eyes to flaws you might not see by glancing at yourself in the proverbial mirror of your soul, as it were... And to be honest, afterwards I did start to look at myself, and wonder if maybe I was clingy. I do notice it, now, when I start doing things that I personally would consider to be clingy, and I always try to stop, or at least tone down, my clingyness. Sprite mentioned tonight that I worry too much, and that most people worry too much. It's true. I've always been a worrier, an eternal pessimist(except when it comes to certain situations in which, truly, I should be the most pessimistic of all), and yes, when I care about someone I make it known. *shrugs* With Brey it was different, because it was a long-distance relationship, and after we started talking on the phone it just became habit to talk to her nightly that way. It's very difficult to move back to simple online conversation when you've heard their voice, especially and even more so when you don't see that person every day, or even every few months. Fade was different... she's still different, now that we're talking again. I got drawn into the black hole of her personality, her disfunction, her problems, and, being me, I tried to help in the best way I knew how, by talking and being there for her, even if only through instant messages and emails. And when she tried to tear me down, at the end, she brought up that flaw(is it really, though?) amongst other things, and that was the end of our conversations. We didn't talk for almost a year, and I drowned myself in forums and webcomics, staying as far away from instant messaging programs as I could, for more than six months. Now that we're talking again, we just are... I'm not sure that there's friendship there as much as a sense of "I still care about you in some way". She's incredibly self-destructive, but brilliant at the same time, and I think she's the only person I've ever managed to stop worrying about. I know that regardless of what I say she'll still have her habits, and she's not willing to change, her environment won't let her change. So I wall off whatever worry I may have felt at some point, and ignore it, if that worry even still exists. She doesn't surprise me much, anymore.

Since then, I think I've managed slightly well to keep from clinging too much. Everyone needs their personal space, I should know that more than anyone. So I find myself not sending that email to comment on whatever is going through my head at the time, or not immediately dropping what I'm doing to go over and talk with whomever. Or at least I'm trying. And that's what counts, isn't it? The trying?

Languages

2005-05-31T15:59:00.000-07:00

I just read that Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is going to be dubbed into Gaelic and shown in Ireland on Halloween night. How fucking cool is that? I'd love to be able to get a copy of that and watch it... it's such a beautiful language.

Class started today, it'll be fun/boring. Fun because the teacher seems really cool, boring because it's government and the class is nearly two hours long.

Out of stuff to write, and I need to head to rehearsal anyways. Oh well.

The End of all Days

2005-05-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

See now the plague priests in their ash-grey robes. Cowled, mouths and noses covered, pale eyes examining the world. Disinterested in mortal affairs. Hear the chant and hear the dirge-pipes, leading the Damned through the Forgotten Lands, past the river Styx, into Hades and Purgatory. In silence they fill the plague carts, bodies piled like cordwood, bubules and pustules oozing even under that gentle touch. They speak not to the living, but offer comfort to the dead. Bleak winds course down city streets, now emptied of the throngs that once massed at market, stalls empty, fruit rotting where it lies. All roads now lead to the plague pits, hellish mouths in hill and field, greedily consuming and ever hungry. Doused with pitch and tar when full, they burn like the Hell the Church preaches of, flames stretching long into the night, creating roads Above and Below... And as the chants and pipes fade, whispered words drift skyward. "All Death is certain..."

Revelations of a Personal Way

2005-05-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

And so it occured to me, much like a lightning bolt out of a clear sky, only this case it was into my mind... well, a revelation about myself. I've heard from more than one person that I tend to have a large number of crushes, and those people have all asked "why?". To which I couldn't reply, because I don't know. I still don't. But it occurs to me while I was busy hosting, that I pursue girls that I have crushes on with my usual stubborness, only stopping when it becomes apparent that the girl in question doesn't return my interest. So far, so good. However, I have also discovered that after I stop pursuing a relationship of a romantic nature, that the crush in question tends to turn into staunch friendship of the sort that I normally only reserve for, well, very close friends. That, of course, is also tempered by how well I've come to know the person by that point... but either way, I automatically tend to take on the mantle of Friend for that person, in normal circumstances. It's an interesting look inside myself that I'd not previously thought of.

Small Seed in the Wind

2005-05-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

I finished Good Omens yesterday, for the second time. This began a thought process, and I couldn't help but wonder if it's part of the human condition to ponder our role in the universe. We're such small, insignificant specks when you think about it. One tiny planet in the vast empty space of the galaxy, not to mention the rest of the universe around it. What's our part in life? Are we here for some higher purpose? Does God have some sort of Ultimate Plan that will determine our fate? ...Or are we really just living processors in a giant computer that is computing the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? I used to wonder, when I was smaller and still reading Beverly Cleary's Ramona books, if we weren't all just part of someone else's story in a book, with a higher author writing and shaping the events of our lives. Like one of those nested Russian dolls, with smaller and smaller dolls inside it. And since I know the power of words, it does all make a weird sort of sense. It's thoughts like this that make me want to accomplish and make a name for myself and be remembered for centuries to come. It comes down to nodal points at some point, those event horizons that William Gibson writes about, where everything comes together at one point and time and something is bound to happen. You just have to look for them and realize what's happening in order to actually do anything about them. And by then it's often largely too late, because you've spent the time thinking about said nodal point instead of doing something to affect it. ^_^ I'm good at that.

At the Mountains of Frustration

2005-05-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

I am once more at the mountains of Frustration. Mom, in her infinite wisdom, because of course she knows everything better than I do, especially when dealing with computers(can you sense me rolling my eyes here, and the ice-tinged sarcasm?) has listened to the asshats at Best Buy, whose only fucking job is to sell things(!!!) and bought some spyware removal program called Spy Sweeper. I dislike it immensely, and not just because it cost $29.99 and appears to be a memory-hogging piece of crap. It uses pop-ups to tell you when it's found spyware on your computer. Isn't the whole purpose of a spyware removal program to stop the pop-ups? It also requires you, upon installation, to go online and download a newer version(!). Instead of Spy Sweeper, I could have downloaded and installed AdAware for the reasonable price of free. But that's not how Mom does things. Heaven forfend, why should she listen to someone who actually knows what he's doing? I utterly despise not being listened to and having my sound advice ignored. It is the single thing I have yet found that has the ability to drive me into a blind rage in moments. By my best reckoning, I have another month of weekends ahead of me before I can afford to build my own system. The day cannot come sooner when I can rid myself of ever having to give my parents computer advice again, and blissfully sit in front of my own machine to do whatever I wish to it.

Wandering the Dreamscape

2005-05-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

I dreamt and slept badly last night... again. No surprise, I suppose. The dream... I was in Merry Wives of Windsor, only it wasn't the play proper. It was more the idea of the play. I was with someone, and there was medieval dress. I was wearing a tunic that came nearly to my knees, and no pants. And the matronly woman wanted to put me into a suit of patched motley, much like one of those babie's one-piece suits you see. I said I'd rather go pantless than wear it, and then I saw someone wearing a kilt and said that I'd wear that instead. Then there was a dice game, where I skillfully cheated at the dice(they were using 12-siders), and stairs stretched far into the darkness above us, twisting every which way like in Labyrinth. Odd indeed.

Work last night was sloooooow; I got much reading done. Tonight will hopefully be somewhat busier, but preferably not busy enough to where I need to rush to get things done.

Of God, and Other Things

2005-05-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

I saw Kingdom of Heaven yesterday, and overall the movie was just ok. Not great, not terrible, not inspiring. Just ok. What a terrible thing to say about a movie, when you can't even form a proper opinion on it because the movie doesn't offer enough substance to create a proper opinion. The best character in the whole damn movie was David Thewlis's knight, introspective and god-fearing, yet never afraid to show a sense of humor. And he's a fucking bit part! Although the Leper King was good too... it's very hard to bring across a sense of anything while wearing a mask the entire time, but the actor portraying him did an excellent job.

Balion: "You go to certain death."
Thewlis: "All death is certain."

At the end of the movie, Balion asks Saladin what Jerusalem is worth, and he replies "Nothing. ...Everything." It amazes me sometimes, it really does, what people will do in the name of God. The Catholic Church sent how many Crusades into the Holy Land against the Muslims? 5? All in the name of God, to kill the infidels... who believed in the exact same God, only worshipped him differently. There's still fighting going on there, and probably will be for centuries to come. All because someone's beliefs are different from someone else's.

It made me think, just a bit. I'm Catholic, but haven't been to church or confession in years and years. I believe in some sort of higher being, but whether it's God or gods I don't know yet. Sometimes I think that I believe in technology more than anything. That's something that comes from reading too much William Gibson, and being so entrenched in computers and cyberspace. And why not? Technology is what drives the world these days. Heh. Someday we'll all have cybernetic implants...

Straying from Familiar Territory

2005-05-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

I particularly like the title of this one. I believe William Gibson has a dvd of his random ramblings that's entitled Familiar Territory, which doesn't make my title any less worthy. I haven't strayed from familiar territory much at all, but right now I'm considering the possibility. Just doing something that I've not done before, talking to someone I normally wouldn't, and so on. Like the goth girl on the bus. People like that make me wonder what their motivations are for doing the things they do. It's always when you don't have time that you wish for changes and possibilities to open up in front of you.

It's sometimes quite frustrating how a single comment in conversation can make you lose all interest in writing out your thoughts. .......I like ellipses. Hmm. I've been sending out a few emails to people I needed to email, and not getting replies is annoying. I realize that people are busy and that not everyone checks their email as much as I do. But not getting replies makes me feel like I'm tossing message bottles into the vast emptiness of cyberspace.

He pulled the blade from the scabbard, the weight reassuring in his hands as he turned the sword, looking over the steel for scratches and nicks. Found none, and slowly dragged the oiled rag over the three feet of dusky steel. The forms had come slowly today; he was out of practice. Cleaning Sorrow always put him into a meditative state of mind. It was a time to contemplate the day's events and think over tomorrow's. He poured a trickle of oil down the blade, wiped it down smoothly, working it into the metal. It was almost zen, the cleaning of weapons, especially at twilight when day turned to night and the colors all faded to grey. He polished Sorrow until she shone, gleaming with all the grace a thing made to kill others could gleam with. He sighed at the memory of the girl. Her blue eyes and her smile. It always came back to that, in the end. Always. Stumbling through life, unsure in that aspect no matter what happened. Always unsure, and uncertain. Whatever happens, happens, he told himself. As if the phrase solved anything. He emptied his mind and focused on the moment. Oil and wipe. Careful attention to the crossguard and the pommel, the bottom of the blade where it met the guard...

Schrodinger's Chat. Not so abstract.

2005-05-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

So, Jessica and I... it's going to be interesting, I think. She's distracting me from food, dammit! But the conversation is interesting. Argh! But it's fun.

It's one situation resolved that I don't need to worry about anymore, and I like her quite a bit. The next few weeks before school starts again will be fun, and then there's the play to do. Good stuff. For now though, I should probably get ready for work and get some food before then. Otherwise I'll end up starving tonight, or at least extremely hungry. Yay.

It's funny how hearing from someone that they're not ready for a "relationship" right now can make one feel extremely good and uber-giddy. But that's how it works with me. *sighs and grins* Yeah.. I think I'm going to like this.

Black Wings, Falling Feathers

2005-05-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Things are progressing. It's summer... well, almost. Midsummer's night isn't until the 23rd of June or so, by which time I'll be in the middle of Shakespeare, if I get cast of course. I'm also going to be going through American Government 1 and 2 during the summer. Yay.

Costuming was a great, great class... I learned alot, and I really do think I could do the costume designer shtick for life. There's so much one can do. The cape... I like the cape lots. It's big, and black, and swooshy, and drapes well, and makes me look like an evil, badass motherfucker when I'm wearing it.

I also ran into Jessica not once but twice today(woot!), and we exchanged numbers. And I think there's actually... no. I'm not going to ruin things by saying anything. Not a word. But I'll call her tomorrow to see if she wants to do anything. Heh. Rock on.

Life, for the moment, is good. *flexes wings and stretches, closing them with a soft snap* Hehe, life is happening, and I feel content, almost as much as I do nights when I'm the only one awake. Good deal indeed.

2005-04-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Haha, it's happened again. I fucking hate not being listened to. Thanks a bunch Mom, and fuck you for being so godamn stubborn. It's time I got my own damn computer; fuck your computer and your computer problems. If you want it fixed, take the damn thing to Best Buy and let them work on it. Screw your constant bitching about my lack of computer knowledge. News flash: it's been 7 years since my last computer class. I'm a bit behind on the times when it comes to technology. Yeah, I thik I can work up a system of my own in a few weeks. Sadly enough, the video card and a new copy of Windows XP will be the most expensive items on the list.

Misanthropic Tendencies

2005-03-30T06:10:00.000-08:00

One thing that is definately not cool in my book is reading other people's private stuff. Especially when it's read to other people. Like a certain person, who has the privilege of reading my friends-only livejournal. And abused... no, raped that privilege by going through my entries and reading certain parts pertaining to another person, to that person. And then complicating my life by sharing that information with yet another person, with whom I'm already on bad terms. And damn this is difficult to write without putting in actual names. Thankfully the person this stuff was read to already knew most of it, and didn't care one whit that it was written. She was also kind enough to let me know that my friends-only livejournal had been compromised.

I'm not even angry about it anymore. Just ...disappointed. I thought I knew this person better than that. But apparently not. And so now there will be unnecessary drama and theatrics in Ohio, and that's the last thing I want. I wanted to hang out with various xForumites, drink some good alcohol, game a little bit, talk with Fae, and have a fun time. Now I have to worry about getting my ass kicked by a certain person for two different reasons. *sighs* As if I didn't have enough to worry about. Hell's bells.

So yes, there is empty disappointment about this whole situation. And I know I'll forgive the travesty, because a) I'm stupid like that, and b) I can't hold grudges. It may take a few weeks or months though. This is more serious than a little white lie. This is fucking over my trust.

On that note: I tend to use my livejournal to bitch about my hopeless romanticism and suchlike. Now I might as well start posting about stemware and laundry detergent. What's the use in having a private journal if you're never sure that it's not being read to a thousand other people?

Not in the band

2005-03-27T01:26:00.000-08:00

Being second fiddle hurts sometimes, it really does. I know I can't change it, I don't think... but it does hurt, somewhere. I should get used to it though, maybe. In three days(or is it four?), I leave for Ohio, and often lately it's felt like I'm walking toward something of Great Importance. Like my destiny is screaming out towards me. It's a ...scary feeling. I have very bad luck when handling dice, and it seems that it transfers to life occasionally also. Not that that should matter. I really hope it doesn't. But I think I'll find out, in Ohio. I'm listening to the song that reminds me of her, and having thoughts. A maelstrom of thought, and its screaming inside my head, wanting to get out and be told. But it's not always possible to tell everything. I know it's melodrama, but that's ok.. everyone needs some in their lives. Right? Right. *decisive nod* And so I'll see what happens, and come out of it with lessons learned and scars earned.

Adrift

2005-03-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

I feel like someone's shoved me out of the Heart of Gold to float for the rest of eternity in the galaxy, without even a towel. I found out that fae will probably finish her schooling at her inlaws in Alabama because her dad-in-law is dying and her husband wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And she can either end up in Austin or Atlanta. And she hasn't really emailed at all lately, and I keep sending my fluffy happy little emails, and it's like I'm sending message bottles into the vast sea of cyberspace and never getting the answers of "rescue's coming!" that I truly want.. no, not truly want. Desperately need. And I feel so lost and I have a bad-weird feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't even think in straight lines. It's like a thousand thousand thoughts were thrown into my brain at the same time, and I can't catch any of them, beyond feeling so very, very lost. I don't even know her, really, beyond months of conversations. But somehow she's thrown thorn tangles through my soul, and I think I love her, the way I loved Breyanna, and I know she'll never leave Frank, so really, I shouldn't get upset over this, and I'm already writing this stupid blog differently because godsdammit I know I'm going to end up showing her when it's written. Because I'm stupid and gluttonous for self-flagellation that way. *clenches teeth* None of this has anything to do with me beyond conversation-points between us, as it's her life and I'm not the type of person to say "thou shan't do this". But as I just said in a conversation, the same thing happened with Brey before she broke up with me. She became distant and further apart.. the "i love you's" came less frequently.. her end of the conversation was more syllabic. Her emails stopped, or might as well have. And it scares the hell out of me, because I remember what happened when we broke up. I cried myself to sleep, and damn near broke into tears everytime I thought of her, for nearly a week. Maybe I am just a stupid hopeless romantic, but I can't help falling in love. It's who I am. I don't know. I told myself after Brey that I wouldn't get into anymore long distance relationships of any sort. And then there was Fade, who was and is still fucked up. And then there was Tigs, whom I liked more than was smart, and whom I was told was an incorrigible flirt who was unable to make up her mind. And then, nothing until one night I sat in front of my computer, sipping peppermint tea and trying desperately not to vomit, when fae started a conversation with me, and talked with me through the night while I intermittendly ran to empty my stomach. And it turned out that she wasn't the bitch she played on the forums, but rather a really awesome person to talk to, someone I actually connected with more than I had with anyone since, well, Brey. And of course she was married, and yeah.. husbands finding emails is bad. And so we've tried the friends thing. And I think it works. As long as neither of us thinks wenchy thoughts about the other. Ohio Gathering will be soon, and I don't really know anymore, about anything. What's going to happen or not happen, I try not to think about. She's not going to leave Frank, I know that. At the core of my heart, I know that. And I know somewhere in mine that I want to be with her, yeah, I deleted part of a sentence here. Fuck blogs, fuck them all. I want to be with her, but it won't go beyond friendship, I don't think. Because she loves him far, far, too much. I'm more than rambling now, and it's not good, because I think I've pretty much out-thought myself in that I have nothing coherent to write anymore. *sighs* Yeah. I shouldn't be allowed to type when I'm like this. This is exactly why I sleep when I fall into this type of mood. Because it keeps from thinking. Sleep is the great equalizer. I dream, and I don't worry. I don't overanalyze. I don't spiral myself down into melancholy because I have icky thoughts. ....and now I'm all thought out.

Posts(both lamp and written)

2005-03-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm going to cross-post this one. If you can't handle that, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on. =D Sorry, I just felt like typing that out.
Life moves as always, we're starting historical shirts in Costuming, and it will be bad ass, because I'm making a shirt for myself, dammit, and I will(hopefully ) wear it to Ren Faire this year. It will be uber. And Stacy mentioned to Tracey that she loves the bodice she has for her prom dress in the play, so of course I'm going to be a moron and ask her if she wants me to make one for her. Because I'm just like that. Not that anything will necessarily come of it, but I feel like I should ask anyways. My skills aren't that 1337 yet. I hope I can pull it off.
No word yet on Ohio, which makes me sad. =( I really hope I can go, I truly do. I want to go, I *need* to go. Because it will be my first trip outside Texas in about 14 years, and because it's an xF gathering, and because many people will be there, Fae among them. Spring break will be spent working so as to have spending cash during the trip. Yes, yes it will. But I'll try to sleep as well, and relax, and talk to friends both online and in meatspace.
Ambra and I hung out after the geology test today, which was great.. because Shawn got out of his class fifty minutes early to try and intercept us, only to find that I'd already been with her for nearly an hour. Priceless. I love making him jealous. He's just clingy enough to make it all worthwhile. And as long as Ambra doesn't mind, why should I stop? After all, it's something I can do with no action at all on my part, except for being in Ambra's presence when he comes around.
It's quite idiotic to try and keep this thing personal and introspective only, especially when you know exactly who's going to be reading it. So, forget introspectiveness. I've emailed Zoe a few times, and she's actually pretty nifty to talk to. I'm sure that will increase tenfold when she's not sick with fever. =) I've thought about doing the Japanese major thing, but Theatre got its claws into me first. Which I must say, I'm enjoying quite a bit.
I have time now, for a few days before we finish the run of the show, and I'm quite enjoying the fact that I have free time now. I went out today and bought fabric for my Ren-shirt. White cotton with a light-green plaid design on it. The plain white cotton was too short, which irked me to no end. But I'll manage with the other stuff, and now that I know roughly how it goes, the second shirt will be much easier. Also, many thanks go to Kate for posting her "quick and dirty Ren shirts" guide. *squozes* If I make it to Ohio, I'll start my greatcoat after I get back. I'm very much wanting to do that project as well; I can only hope that I find enough time. And speaking of which, I still have several bags to make for people. That design will slowly improve as well.
*grins* I'm feeling rather good at the moment. It's a nice feeling, actually. Now I should do some homework, and then head to bed until later tonight.

Confusion in the Ranks

2005-03-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

I've just finished a conversation with Ambra, which was interesting/amusing/fun. Once again there was possible subliminal flirting. *sighs* I was going to type out a long rambly thing, but I'm too tired. So I'll go to bed and sleep instead.

2005-03-05T08:40:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't email people when I've had too much to drink, really. I read over something I sent at 5-something in the morning. Ick. Eh. Um. Yeah. It's been done, and I'm not going to unsend it, if that's even possible. *sighs* Whatever happens, happens. I just hope it's not too bad. Blah.

Crossing Wires

2005-02-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

I'm once again getting sick of the pursuit of happiness and a romantic relationship with someone. Ambra's utterly indecisive about whether she wants Shawn or not, and probably in extent also about whether she wants me or not. Which is why I've put off calling her about tomorrow for the past 7 or so hours. And Stacy is well, not wanting a relationship. Supposedly. Which, I've heard from two different women, means that she probably wouldn't object to one if something came up. I, however, am clueless and have no idea how to go about making something come up. Maybe I shall ask her to see Constantine, since she likes horror flicks. Yeah, I know it's more action than horror, but whatever.

Still though, I feel like this blog has become nothing but a soapbox from which I rant and rave and complain and bitch about my lovelife or lack thereof. So maybe I should either A)stop trying so hard and just give up or B)try even harder and be assertive about what I want and see if that accomplishes anything. Because what I'm doing now is apparently doing fuck-all nothing. Nada. Squat.

Maybe I should try and blog about other things. But why bother? Rehearsals are going well, we're two weeks from opening and things are coming together really well. Stacy's little duet with Raymond is fucking amazing, it's become one of my favorite songs. Our song, "The Perfect Family", is also great, at least choreography-wise. I found that now that I don't have to sing the damn thing, it's much more fun to do. And our routine rocks.
I'm slowly becoming better at sewing and using the machines in the costume shop. I made Ambra a little purse-bag thing, and it turned out really good-looking, and now both Tabitha and Fae want one as well. Which means I have discovered a business opportunity, mwahahaha. Though for Tabitha's I'll probably need different fabric for the outside... if Ambra and Taba happen to run into each other while both carrying the same bag, it might not turn out so well for me. And I've asked Tracey to find a Ren Faire shirt pattern for me, since patterns are $0.99 each this weekend at the store. I've also thought of ways to make a satchel that a guy wouldn't be afraid to carry in public, something cool-looking and suave or whatever. Because it might come in useful.

As my mind wanders back to Stacy.... Sad, isn't it? Well, maybe not. She's one of the few(if not only) people I can actually talk with about music and iPods and such, which is so much fun. Our longest conversations thus far have been about music it seems. She's definately cool and I'd love to get to know her better.

I still need to get an application for a scholarship, because I really want to apply for a Drama scholarship this semester so I can try to get one for fall. That would be much easier all around, and I think I stand a really good chance of getting one. I'm getting to know Tracey better, since I spend so much time in the costume shop, and I can use my projects from the class on the portfolio that's recommended when applying for Drama scholarships.

Wow, long blog post. I also talked to Fade last night for the first time in ages, which was an interesting little conversation. She's in drama also...

And for posterity's sake(whatever that might mean or indicate about me) I'm going to be tech-ish and cross-post this on both LJ and blogspot. If you know my AIM name, then you can find my blogspot blog. It doesn't have much in it yet. Not at all. But maybe it should. And to whomever should stumble across it, it's there for a reason.

Frustration upon Frustration

2005-01-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

One of the problems with blogging is that often one's friends will be able to read the blog. Which means that as far as you're concernced, your online journal is open to the world. Not always a good thing. And livejournal is down, and I don't have any experience with Blogger, and so I'm whiny and frustrated.

Vampires. Vampires have always fascinated me. *cue Godsmack* Creatures of the undead, blah blah blah. Yeah. I think it's the whole immortality thing. But you have to ask, is it worth it? I still haven't figured that out yet.
I dislike Blogger intensely. I really do. And Tabitha's seemed fairly distracted lately, and I don't know why, and it's bugging me. Off for now. Livejournal better be back up soon. Grrr.

Madmen tell many tales

2004-10-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know. Two blogs is just asking for trouble. I don't even update my livejournal all that often, how am I going to find time or inclination to fill two blogs? I'll figure something out. Over and out for tonight.